Friday, May 29, 2009


The "hills are alive my ass." Momma always told me there'd be days like these. Strange days indeed...
Black Beauty and I were traveling down Greenback Blvd (no, trust me, this ain't it!) thinkin' if I just run a few more errands I can ease off the ass pedal tomorrow (I'm exhausted). Yes. The famous words of a moron. But I got all the kitty food, found some wonderful food for humans at the discount store and headed to Safeway for "real" stuff. Whoop...missed the street. Okay, so in 90 degree weather in a car throwing heat from every orifice (if you read my blog you know Black Beauty has heating issues) and no air conditioning, I headed to the next familar block to drive up and around and head a few extra miles BACK to Safeway. Oh...lucky, lucky me. Got behind a guy doing about 25 in a 40mile/hour zone. I had less than a few blocks to go and actually though, "Why bother?" But I did. I got around him and pulled into the middle lane behind a Brinks truck and planned to pull back into the inner lane to turn left on San Juan, or something or other. However. Life had different plans.
Yes, this is real. Remember when I was "numb and tingling?" This is what was recorded. It was in the ozone layer today. Trust me.

Oh...this is just a precusor!
I had my crystals knocked around, and trust me, not by Ohno.
And we didn't enjoy this today. Man, my grout needs to be cleaned. Oh right, HGTV is forever telling me I need "GRANITE." Leave me alone. I'm so sick of hearing it. Realtors and HGTV are in cahoots to homongenize every freakin' household in America. And yes, I'm aware Ohno has flower issues.

Excuse me. I digress. "No don't!!!" I haven't made it to the DMV yet!!! (The gardener in me wants to run over there and tell the homeowner "A nice shrub will hide the meters and make your home more attractive.")
Not sense the BMW met it's Mustang match.
Oh that. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm. Let me tell you a little story. I was behind a Brinks truck thinking "Oh God I wish I had all that money" when he speeded up and I speeded up with him. What a joy ride. Then I saw it. A yellow light. Hummmmmmmmmmmmm. I could have slammed on the brakes with the BMW and she would have responded. The Mercedes? No. Not in a million years. I'd end up in Arkansas. Trust me, there was no way to stop in Black Beauty, so I gunned it. I was a third of the way through the intersection when I saw a flash. I thought it was the sun reflecting off the Brinks truck. I felt lucky. Then I didn't. I had a cop car in back of me with, and I quote "top of the line LED lights...strobe. Could it get worse? Yup!
I pulled into a parking lot to get away from the riff-raff and to spare myself the embarassment. You know me. I'm very modest and half smart. Why suffer when you don't have to!!! The officer was too kind. He approached the car and the first words out of my mouth, "swear to God..."I know what I've done. I just knew the Mercedes couldn't stop in time."And you all know that's the honest truth. No way!!! She's so, so different from the BMW. And he laughed. And that was it. We hit it off. He asked if I'd seen the "flash." I said no. Thought it was a reflection, but now know it wasn't. He said "I can write you a ticket." I asked what the ticket cost. He said violating the intersection was $410. I nearly died and said, " Honey, you gotta be kidding me." He said "No." I said if you write the ticket, is it less?" "No." "What do I do?" I never saw it?" He said, you fight it. But I'm not going to. I'll just pay it. I didn't pay attention and I'm guilty. He got a call while "interviewing" me..."Yes...yes..." gave a code and then said "in pursuit of a Mercedes." At least the car got attention!!!
No, that's not me, but exactly how I looked, just in pink. Oh and in black!!
I spend thousands and thousand of dollars in that community every year. I won't spend a single dime again. Why? Because idots get away with so much, and me, I didn't get away with anything. I'll pay the $410 fine, but after that, I won't visit their community ever again. It's all they're going to get from me for the rest of my life. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Absolutely. Did I deserve a $410 fine? No. I'm a good driver, but I made a mistake. But not a $410 mistake. And so it goes.


Karen ^..^ said...

Oh, boy...

I'm sorry. That sucks. Fortunately, Florida is as yet too poor to afford photo enforced traffic lights.

But after a few VERY expensive speeding tickets, I'm now a perfect citizen. I never go over 5 mph over the speed limit, and always stop. I just can't afford to support my city in that way. They don't do shit for me!

Karen ^..^ said...

Woot!!! FIRST!!!!!

just bob said...

Sorry Blottie. I did fight a ticket for allegedly going through a red light once. Like you, if I truly had done the deed I would have paid the fine but I was not guilty of the charge. I told my side of the story, a representative read the officer's report, and I won!

Em Fullagar said...

I recently got stopped in Kandahar, Afghanistan, by an American MP. God, you guys are tough!!
I went through a stop sign without physicaly stopping, even though there was no one else at the junction.
He let me off after I said in Britain, we mainly give way rather than stop. But I've got the hang of it now!!!

Suzanne said...


Oh. Dear. God. Every time I think about $410 I think "Where the hell am I going to pull that out of, my ass?" I considered eating cup-a-soup for a month, but it has MSG. Nope. Top Roman. MSG too. Nope. Okay, I'm going to have to eat normally and pray to God I win the lottery, or some form thereof.

Unlike Florida, CA has too much money, that's why we're broke. I heard on the news this morning Governor S has declared he's closing 100 state parks. WTF???!!! If he closed Discovery Park I'm going to personally kick his ass because I'm not parking Black Beauty on Garden Parkway and walking a mile to feed my ferals. I don't mind the walk, but I'm not leaving Black Beauty on that freakin' road. People are nutty. I gotta get outta this state. *Where the hell should Blottie move?*

Karen, you know what? I'm generally a "perfect citizen" too. You know me. Once in awhile my "stupid gene" kicks in and all hell breaks lose. Yesterday was that day. And I alway marvel at this. When I do something wrong I go back and think about what I could have done to prevent calamity and this is what I discovered after painful reflection:

1) I didn't have to go to the discount store. Damn.

2) I didn't really need kitty food. Damn.

3) I should have taken a right hand turn a mile back. Damn.

4) I really could have suffered through going below the speed limit. Damn.

Instead I have a $410 ticket. Damn.

Lesson: I will never follow the "money" truck and I will always stop on yellow. Even if Black Beauty does a donut when I hit the breaks.

Love you Sis. Really, I do. And thanks. You always keep me on my toes. And yes, WOOT!!! FIRST!!! Honey, why do we get such glee from that???!!! Probably because we're all a bunch a f****** kooks.

Stay safe and drive carefully. You never know when a cop is right behind you. I certainly didn't!!!

XO :)

Suzanne said...

Bob, Bob, Bob,

You sound like Rob, Rob, Rob. He wants me to fight it. We haven't even recieved the photo yet, but he wants me to fight. I'm not so sure I want to. The only concern I have is that when I went into the intersection the light was yellow and under the law, yellow is simple a caution, but the rules changed once I was in the intersection and the light turned red. For some reason, that doesn't sit well with me. I had no idea when the light was going to change from yellow to red, so why should I be punished? Should I pay a $410 fine for going though a red light? Absolutely. BUT I DIDN'T GO THROUGH A RED LIGHT. I went through a yellow light when I entered the intersection. There's a big difference. I know Rob wants me to argue this case because there is a point to be made, but I'm not so sure I'm the one to make it. I'm not convinced I'd be a good in court. However, I realize I'm passionate about this. I went into an intersection on yellow and I ended up with a $410 fine. I think there should be something before entering an intersection or above an intersection indicating how many minutes are left on yellow. If you can go legally through yellow, then there should be no repercussion if the light turns red while you're in the intersection. Red is a whole nother story. I didn't go through red. Of that, I am absolutely certain. I was probably 5-6 yards past the line when the light turned red. I'm hoping that's what the photo shows, but I'm sure it won't. It'll probably conveniently be a close up of me in my pink baseball cap! I don't like the whole lure and bait thing going on. That's what I'd argue in court. It's wrong and I think it actually borders on illegal.

The cop was terrific. He didn't write a ticket. He had that option, but decided not to bother because if I argued the case, he felt the photo ticket would be more helpful than his eye witness account. Initally he cautioned me about even bothering, but in the end, before walking away smacked his hand on my car door and said, "Good luck honey, I think you can win this." He was a very funny, very kind man and we laughed about other stuff more than we laughed about the intersection mishap! I'm laughing right now just thinking about him. A real sweetheart. He never even asked to see my license!!! THANK GOD!!! I really do have to get that fixed within the next week!!!

Now Bob, when you refer to a "representative," who is that? Court appointed or someone you hired to respresent you. Please share info. It might help me! And darling, so glad you won. Some things are worth the effort. Like you, I think this may be one of them. I'll keep you informed. The photo and ticket should arrive in about 2 weeks and I'll go from there.

Thanks as always darling. Hope you're feeling better.

XO Blottie

just bob said...

I fought the ticket on my own. The police department had someone from their office that sat in for all of the officers during all of the cases. That way there's no chance of getting a dismissal because an officer can't/doesn't show up.

Suzanne said...


Hi darling. What an honor to have you here. YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS CRAP!!!??? Where the hell's your brother. He's abandoned me!

Honey, how are you doing? I haven't stopped by to find out because some times not knowing is easier for me. I know that sounds strange, but it's true, and I'm sure you know. For instance when you left for Afghanistan I didn't stop by to say goodbye. Why? Just scared. I'm too sensitive and I get scared. I say it all the time..."I'M A SISSY." It's true. Now that we've straightened that out, HOW THE HELL ARE YA HONEY!!!??? I wish I had that map up that other bloggers have. You know the one that shows where all the hits are coming from! I'd have one red spot in Afghanistan!!! What? That's hilarious!!! I know a soldier! A British soldier. Hey honey, I thought the British pulled out a year ago. You goin' it alone? *Em marches through moutains looking for Mr. Meanie.* Hey Em, don't step on any flowers or critters. No I'm not kidding.

Oh, and about that intersection thing. Honestly, I like the whole idea of "giving way," but here in California hundreds of cars go through intersection every few minutes, so that's really not an option. We need lights! Oh, and we also need rules. You keep playing by your own honey and hope MP's understand. I'll send you American Road Rule 101!

Stay safe, okay. I mean that you know. I never wanted you to go there, but you know that. It just scares the hell out of me, but you're a better woman than me, so hang in there and stop here as often as you like. I'm always here honey. It's so good to see you and hear your voice. I love you. Be careful. I'm NOT kidding.

And just so you know, I only know one other person in Afghanistan. Well he isn't actually in Afghanistan. He's a helicopter pilot and transports diplomats from Afghanistan to Iraq and from Iraq to Afghanistan.! He isn't with the military, he's with a private contractor, but the stories I hear are pretty amazing. He's my best friend from high schools husband and we all worry, all the time. Please stay safe darling.

I'll visit soon.

Much love,

Suzanne said...


Wow, Rob would have something to say about that. An officer must show up or the case is dismissed. Hummmmmmmmm. Why is your case different. I'm going to run this past him. I don't think anyone can "stand in." Why? Because as a defendant you have a right to question your accuser (officer), and you can't question a "stand in" reading an officer's report because he/she wasn't an eye witness. Hummmmmmmm. That sounds really odd to me. And I'm not even a lawyer!!!

I was just on the phone with Rob asking him this very question and he was on hold while talking to another lawyer. He started to answer, but then had to go when the other lawyer came back on. So I didn't get the full answer. He said, and I quote, "I've heard about this, but it sounds very wierd, and I'm not even certain it's...gotta go honey, he's off hold."

I'll get back to you Bob!!!

YOU WON!!! What do you think I should do? Pay up and shut up or take a chance?

Are you having a good day? Are you at work or still at home recovering? Hope you're well no matter where you are.


kylie said...

hi suze
this year i got a fine for not wearing a seatbelt. i cant remember how much it was but it's the points that kill me.
minor misdemeanors are usually 3 points, twelve and you lose the licence.
my problem is i have had two infringements in the last two years (none for ten years before)
one more and i'm VERY close to the wind or one on a double points weekend and i'm gone.
do you know how easy that would be? lose concentration for a second and it could be 12 months walking!

the points stay valid for three years from the MOST RECENT so even though the old one is two years old it will stay with me for five years now

anyway, $410 sux so good luck!

Suzanne said...

Wow honey. I think you're screwed!!! You better be on your best behavior.

$410. You know what? It's a whole hell of a lot of money. And also points on my license (My invalid license!) Apparently I can take a class. Online. I'll have to pass. What?

kylie said...

i'm not screwed but i have to make sure there are NO SCREW UPS

Anonymous said...

Suze, Suze, Suze,

You lead the craziest life! And I am around!! Just haven't felt like commenting on anyone's posts except my sister's - sure you understand that....

But here I am....and I promise I'll do my best to comment more on your lovely blog. I think you have to be the craziest and loveliest blogger in the blogosphere....heheheh

Love ya hun,
Peter xxx

Cece said...

You still driving around with an expired liscens? You are lucky he didn't ask to see it and write you an even bigger ticket. GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO THE DMV AND TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE. Yes, I was yelling at you. You need to slow down. not only in that Black Beauty of yours, but in life too! And Arkansas is a great place to live, besides, we have an over abundance of wildelife around here.

Walker said...

So are you saying the hills are alive or your ass is alive?

I got a $1600 ticket once.
Good thing they didn't have photo driver's licenses back then.

Have a nice weekend Speedy

Suzanne said...

One thing I forgot to mention. WHY WEREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR SEAT BELT???? You nutty? You deserved that ticket young lady AND the marks on your license. I'll give you the same lecture my mom always gave me, "YOU BETTER STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT AND FLY RIGHT." It always made me laugh (and still does) and that made her angrier, but I remember it! Here's another good one. CHIPS has message boards all along the freeways here to remind motorist to "CLICK IT OR TICKET." I hope you've learned a valuable lesson today because I'll tell you right now Missy, I'm not flying to Aussie Land for a funeral.

;) XO

Suzanne said...

Peter, Peter, Peter,

Well, well, well, long time no see Mr. Handsome. Almost forgot what the hell you look like!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh, now I remember. But I did have to get out the photo loop to get a better glimpse. Those "little" photos are, well, so little! You still look terrific sweetie and it's wonderful to hear your voice.

Yes, I do understand my dear. You went one way and I went the other because of Em. When Em was leaving for Afghanistan I remember seeing the photo on Kylie's blog and I cried. I couldn't even visit her blog to say goodbye or wish her a safe journey. I was too scared. You know me. It just frightens the crap out of me. But you know what? Having her here matters. To hear her voice and see her photo, it matters and now I'm not scared. I know she's okay, adjusting, living her life and doing an honorable thing. Oh, and she's still reading my blog which just cracks me up!!! So, I'm okay with her being over there. Not completely, but I can at least understand her choice and not worry so much. I know you understand because I can't even imagine what it's like to be her brother or parents. I often want to shake her and say "Em, couldn't you have just joined the police department, become and EMT or something???!!!" *Rolls eyes in head.* Women.

Just so you know, I'll stay in touch with her. How long is her tour of duty? She's coming home next month, right!!! If only. Yes, I know you're laughing as hard as I am.

Thanks for showing up darling. You know I love you to bits. I hope your life is moving in the direction of your dreams. Stop by when you find time because it's always a pleasure to see you.

And yes, it's true. We all know my life in completely crazy. What's new honey??? Thanks for the beautiful comment. Take good care of yourself.

I love you,

Suzanne said...


Woman, get that damn orange out of your hair cuz it's damaging your brain. "Liscens" sounds like a throat lozenge. And yes, it's true. I haven't made it to the DMV. You do realize my license expired on my birthday last year. It's almost my birthday this year. That is simply pathetic. And when I was pulled over my first thought was "Oh Dear God...please." Not because of the red light violation, but because I'd have to hand over my invalid license!!! Frankly, it's just a "fix it ticket," but still the shame, the embarassment...that sorta crap kills me! YES, I'LL GET IT TAKEN CARE OF. Swear to God. I'm thinking I'll do it on my birthday! Perhaps the clerk won't notice it expired last year. You know, if I hadn't been tripped by the kitty and taken that nasty spill, walked into a tree branch, infection, etc., that photo would have been taken long ago. Now I have no excuse. I'm just freakin' lazy. Oh, and the DMV is about 3 miles down the road. Leave me alone. And stop yelling. I can hear you all the way from Arkansas. Good Lord! Noise disturbance. Don't make me call the cops.

Oh, and Mrs. Science, why don't you tell me how to "slow down" in life. I'm now a single woman running this funny farm on my own. I'm going to sit here and wait for your response (a good excuse for "me" time). You know what's so funny honey, I woke this morning and my first thought was "Hummmmmm, yesterday wasn't a dream, was it? I still owe $410. Hummmmmmmmmm." However, I also thought about the fact I went through a yellow light, not red, and my strategy for arguing my case in court. I'd have the judge in stitches within minutes. You know me. There were so many funny things about yesterday. I'd bring up each and every one of them in my defense. Could I win? Probably. Do I want to try? I'm not sure. Why? Because how much can I fit into a single freakin' day. Well, I guess I could fit in a whole hell of a lot more, including the court date if I didn't blog. Hummmmmm. There ya go. Court date it is!

Love you darling. You okay? Email or phone when you have time. You know I worry.


P.S. Heard from Bindi yesterday, but had to throw the phone and run when Sweet Pea made a grand escape to the front yard. She sounds wonderful. Tired, but wonderful.

Suzanne said...


Knock it off. My darling friend from Utah said a few months ago "Wow, your Karma sucks." You think? Baby, what'd I do to deserve all this? It's simply stupid funny. It's a slow drip. One thing after another. Ahhhhhhhhhh, what's gonna happen in June? Make it good, dammit.

A $1,600 fine. Are you sure that wasn't the tax bill? *Fans smoke away and searches for life.*


Gig said...

Hi Suze, get to the dmv!!

Suzanne said...


Yes Mommy. *Suze is seen driving illegally to the DMV.*


Suzanne said...


This is so funny. A few months ago Cece said "Suze, who looks at a photo on a license? Who cares what the hell it looks like?" That cracked me up. Apparently only me! OKAY, I'm going.


Emerson Marks said...

410 bucks! Bloody Hell! That would hit my wallett hard and no mistake.

Over here in Blighty you have to watch out for traffic wardens, who walk the streets in high numbers.

If on a budget, may I suggest late night supermarket shopping, whereupon treats such as bread are often cut price.

merelyme said...

Damn! That's a lot of chardonnay!

Suzanne said...

You bet your ass it is!!!

Leah said...

I thought I'd commented, lol! It's cause I commented somewhere else though on the demonic 410 dollar ticket. But just where I commented, I do not know! Oh dear.

I'm not thinking straight this evening...

Suzanne said...


Oh God I'm laughing too hard. You know I've been wondering where your ass is. Finally, it's here. Baby, where the hell'd you comment? What do you think I should do? Everyone says "FIGHT IT!!!" I need to see the photo first. I'll share it when it arrives and then you can all participate in this lovely thing I call my life. I'm probably just going to pay aren't I? I know. Baby, that's a whole hell of a lot of money to just fork over. You know how you wish you could turn back the hands of time. I wish I could.

Love you darling. Hope all is well.

bindhiya said...

Dear Suze,
Hope you had a good day..
as i told you already 'am scared to drive after hearing this :(
I am sorry you have to deal with this..
love you m'dear

Suzanne said...

Bindi my darling, don't be scared. It was stupidity that made me do it. It's my own fault. You're much smarter than I am!!! You take that new license of yours and you go out there and DRIVE!!! But honey, as the new owner of a $410 ticket, I have a few pointers:

1) Don't drive behind a big truck cuz you just can't see a lot of crap.

2) Don't drive with a pink base ball cap for the same reason.

3) Don't miss the street for Safeway. That'll save you a whole heck of a lot of heartache.

4) When you see yellow, stop. Just pretend it's red because that whole "caution" thing? It's a big fat lie. A scam I tell you.

Don't feel sorry for me baby. I'll be fine. You know my life is just wacky crazy. I'm used to stupid stuff like this. It seems to attached itself to me like velcro.

I love you darling. So good to see you here. I have to run to the market really quick to get plastic bags, but I'll come back and visit. Hope all is well with you and the wee ones. And thanks for always caring. It matters very much.

I love you. XO

PS Congrats on obtaining a license!!!!! You rock!

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