Sunday, May 3, 2009

I haven't felt well today. Living with me for almost 30 years I actually thought Rob would offer to help. He didn't. I've navigated this day completely alone. In doing so I realized the last 30 years of my life are over. It's a new journey. As ill as I am, I went into his office and cleared every damn thing out. EVERYTHING. Not just out of anger, out of need. I need to breath. I need to find me again. I know who I am and somewhere in all of this I lost me.

As I was exiting the office the only thing standing was a round mirror. I saw my image as I turned to survey the damage. I realized I was a different woman leaving, then the one who entered. Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He has devastated this family. Newman died of a broken heart and Ohno struggles every day. T-Bone suffers severe depression. I don't forgive him for what he's done to all of us. I don't . And honestly, I don't think I ever will. I'm so disappointed in me. I invested 30 years of my life in a guy who didn't deserve me. What's that say about me? About my judgement?

And no, my hair's not that short. It's just up in a bun while I clean like a freakin' maniac. You know me. I'll probably delete this. This day broke my heart. But something interesting happened. While moving all the cabinets and bookshelves to the living room to create an entertainment center, a little piece of paper fluttered to the floor. It was something I'd cut from a magazine years ago:

Learn How To Let Go

If you experience difficulty deciding whether to get rid of something, ask yourself a few simple questions: Do I love it? Do I use it? Does it add value to my life? If the answer to these questions is no, let go of the item.

I started to laugh. You all know me. That's just too damn funny!!!

XO

23 comments:

merelyme said...

You are right! It is a new journey. You started it off right...purging. It's kind of like a road trip with a clean car. Wouldn't want to start that trip with crap in my car!
Also...look at all your blogger friends...you are never alone.

Suzanne said...

Thank you darling. I love you so much. You're right. I keep thinking that a year ago I would never have believed this would be my life today. But it is. I'm still trying to make sense of it and not doing a very good job. I'm angry and don't want to be angry. I'm bitter and don't want to be bitter. I'm miserable and don't want to be miserable. Somewhere in all of this madness is the me I used to be and that's who I want to find. It's just so hard.

Purging is wonderful, but doing so ends something so precious. His office was beautiful. Now it's nothing. I walk in and feel totally empty. At least before I felt something. Darling, I don't know what the answer is. It's all just hard and I don't know if one ever finds the right answer. It's just hard.

XO

Karen ^..^ said...

30 years is a long time. As heartbreaking as it is, people change, and not always for the better. People can either become more self aware, or self centered. It's a fine line. That tiny fine hair thin line can break our hearts.

It sucks. I'm so sorry. I don't know the entire story, so I'm not even going to try to speculate.

On the bright side, you are one damn sexy woman! Look at you!! Hair up in a bun, but all sexy and sweaty in your tank and glasses perched on top of your head like that... Very sexy, very fetching.

It's good that you can still laugh, although sometimes it's a better alternative than opening the floodgates and letting the poison out too soon. It has to be just the right moment, or it doesn't work.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that by yourself. It isn't right. Wish I were there to help.

Gig said...

Hey Suze,
Wish I could have been there to help you purge...now you could visit me and help me purge every room and garage!! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. My BFF K. went through this after 33 years. It does get better in many ways, but I don't know about the bitterness going away anytime soon.
I know you will find your way...you are a strong woman. Always remember that, you are a survivor. I remember when I was going through my divorce many years ago, singing Gloria Gaynor, I will Survive, even as I cried big tears of heartbreak. But, I did survive and grew stronger.So keep on letting go of the little things...the bigger things will go away in time.

Love you,
xoxo

Gig said...

Oh.By.The.Way!! Do not delete this post please, so you can go back and reread how much your dear friends care....ok Blottie?

just bob said...

Well, now that I've commented you can not delete this. Suzy-Q, life changes day to day. People change minute by minute. You are not the same person as 30 years ago... and neither is he. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is.

Look at it this way, if it was never going to get better with him there, then with him going there is a chance for things to get better for everyone. You will get through this. Ohno and T-Bone will get through this. Your family and your blogger buddies are here to make sure you do.

Now having said that, don't make me come all the way up to Sac-Town. It's way too far for me to drive just to kick you in the butt.

Hugs.... just bob

just bob said...

Aren't you impressed I wrote more than just Hi Blottie?

kylie said...

she's probably too busy crying or laughing or feeding pussy or something to notice that you wrote more than "hi blottie"

but i'm real impressed

sorry about all of that suze. life sux sometimes

take it easy on yourself. you are allowed and expected to feel bad. just sit it out, time mellows it all so long as you dont nurse a grudge

lots of love

Suzanne said...

Karen,

You know what you are? You're chicken soup for the soul. I mean that you know. God I just adore you.

I read recently that life is about lessons. You take information from an experience then move to the next. But you're supposed to do it in a positive way. I'm not quite there yet!!! I'm still royally pissed!

However, being pissed isn't a good thing because I learned very quickly that without any surface in Rob's office I was unable to find a "twistie" to tie a bag after emptying the litter boxes. I'm gonna have to work on that! It's funny how in anger and pain, you forget the practical shit. I'm gonna have to move something back in there to hold the twisties!

You know what I regret? Never taking a photo of the office before dismantling it. It was lovely. It was all designed around Rob's "Pulp Fiction" movie poster. Orange and sage greens. Believe it or not, very calm, soothing colors. His office was always so warm and comforting. Hummmmmmmmmmm. We had so many laughs in that damn place. Rob and I are both very, very funny and that's what I want to remember. Not the bad, the good. I can still hear all the laughter.

Sexy. You are too kind. Even when I got that damn award I couldn't believe it!!! Here's why. I'm almost 50, I don't look like I used to, I know most "old" men are like IV and want a 20 something year old, and my best years are obviously behind me unless I meet a 100 year old blind guy. So...there's hope? In Florida perhaps?

Oh, and that's not a tank top, that's my famous "nightie!!!" Yup, I don't just wear it to track down garbage trucks, I wear it to clean too!

I love you so much sweetie. Thank you for making my day so much better.

XO
Sis

Suzanne said...

Giggie,

I love you. Thank you. I asked my mom recently, "How did you and Daddy do it?" (They've been divorced over 20 years.) She replied, "We have always been friends." They still go to dinner together, travel together, attend every grandchild's major event together, every Christmas dinner, every Thankgiving dinner, ever Easter, every birthday party. It's amazing and an inspiration. Mom added, "We've always loved one another, we just can't live together!"

Giggie, when you got divorced did you ever feel as if you'd never find love again? And when you did, were you afraid?

The bitterness has to go away. I can't carry that in my heart and be me. You know me. I won't survive with this much anger. But I realize I have to let it be awhile. It's important to feel pain and to feel desperate. Otherwise, how will I recognize joy when it returns.

It's hard baby, but I will survive because I'll think of Gloria Gaynor. Thank's for that one!!!

I love you darling. Thanks.
XO

Suzanne said...

Giggie,

I will NEVER delete this post. It took more courage than you know to tell my family I was in agony and even more to tell all of you. This is my milestone. I will always come here to reflect as my life takes a new direction. I'm always so busy helping everyone else that I don't share my own pain. What I've discovered is pain is universal! And if I open my heart, I'm surrounded with friends, love and support. You aren't "blogging" friends, you're dear, dear friends. I cherish each and every one of you.

Thank you sweetie.
XO

Suzanne said...

Oh Bob,

I do love you so. Not in a romantic way because I know you and Megan are about to marry (because I'm the Wedding Planner), but as sister and brother. Thank you. You know it's funny, I see you write long comments on other blogs and alway enjoy them, but never mine. I often wonder why because I'm Blottie! I realized tonight maybe it's because you think I can handle everything, but today I need you. And here you are. Thanks.

It's interesting to stand in an empty room and look back at your life. I keep repeating, like a mantra "I am a 50 year old woman and I am single." I've never been so scared in my whole life. But what am I going to do? I'm going to plow ahead. What other choice is there?

You're right, the kitties and T-Bone will get through this and so will I. I believe that with all my heart. And honey, you know what? All of you have helped. More than you know. I try to imagine what this process would have been like without you and I can't. For some reason I was meant to find Blogger and all of you. Perhaps for this very reason. I honestly don't think I could have made it though this on my own.

You know how much I love you. If I agree not to agree, will you drive two hours to see me and take me to dinner!!??? Ahhhhhhhhhh, just kidding, but if you're ever in Sacramento or San Francisco, please don't hesitate to call. We'll rustle up RC and make a day of it. Robyn's usually good to go too! I love you baby. Thanks. Really. Thanks.

XO
Blottie

Karen ^..^ said...

I rushed over here this morning, and was glad to find that you hadn't deleted.

One thing I have learned about the friends I've made through blogging is that it is a wonderful form of group therapy. We all put up our bleeding wounded hearts from time to time, and everyone rallies around and helps us through it. Somehow it does help the pain to know that people care, even people we've never met. Without that gift, life would be a very lonely place. Sometimes it is so necessary to bare your soul and just let it all out, and such a relief when you discover that no one judges, everyone cares, and life does go on, but just a bit easier since we've lifted that burden just a little bit. It can be hard to do, but when you do, it's wonderful to know that people care and understand.

You've got a lot to go through. Please don't go through it alone. No one deserves that. Why put yourself through unnecessary penance? No need. We are here for you.

Take care, sweetheart, and remember to do at least one nice thing for yourself every day. Because if we don't treat ourselves like the wonderful people we are, who will?

Leah said...

Suzy,

I read last night and didn't comment right away because I was trying to think of what to say.

I'm relieved also that you didn't delete it, because it's part of your life, your journey, and this is your journal, and you're among friends.

Like a death in the family, maybe it's helpful just knowing that the people around you know what you're going through, and knowing that they're thinking of you and caring about you.

I watched my mom go through her divorce from my dad, after 25 years of marriage, and it was deeply painful. But she made the journey and came out the other side and found herself--wise, seasoned, strong, beautiful. She even found love again, her soul-mate actually, when it seemed unthinkable to her after so many years of marriage and then heartbreak.

You should post here or on Moaning (ha! I love to call it that) as much as you like--we'll all be here!

xo

hnter1018 said...

Suze...the bitterness will go away...you just have to let it go. I have seen my my mother hang on to it for way to long. It hurts, it sucks it will take time but you have to let it go when it is time. Go through your stages take your time do what you need to do for yourself.

If you want burn his hat too!!!

Take Care

just bob said...

If it's the Red Sox hat send it to me ;)

Cece said...

OMG, I'm at work, and the pneumatic tube system just dropped somebodies body fluid in on me, but I promise to come back and give you my input on all of this. I'll try to call you sometime soon too. It may not be tonight because I am working late, and then I have to rush home (well it will be during rush hour, so there will be no rushing about it) and then I have to change and it's out the door again for the end of the season flag football party for the boys. Then back home for homework, baths, teethbrushing, laundry, floors, oh and eventually bed. Then back up tomorrow morning to start the grind all over again. But I promise to call you soon. I'll be back to say something heartfelt and lovely, but body fluid is calling my name.

Suzanne said...

Hummmmmmmmmm. What a collection of friends. Honestly.

~ Karen, I love you so much dear. Your words always matter. I'm so often reluctant to burden anyone with my problems because I know friends have problems of their own. But I forget that there is a collective wisdom in the world and by just letting go, putting my "stuff" out there, I find comfort and people are able to share what they know. It is the perfect symbiotic relationship.

It's so funny because I was going to delete that post as soon as I typed it!!! Look what I would have lost. All of this. And why would I delete? Because just writing it was cathartic and that seemed like enough. And also because I just hate to worry friends and family. I always think I can handle everything just fine on my own. But I realize I can't. This stuff is killing me. One month, one week, one day, one hour at a time. It's killing me. You've all helped me realize that just spreading it out a bit makes the journey easier and less painful.

I love you so much my dear friend. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will take all of your advice and apply it to my everyday life. You're a wise soul. Happy Birthday darling!!! XOXO
~
Kylie, Where the hell'd I find you? Oh, right, One Pic. Just so you know, smarty pants, I haven't cried in approximately 3 hours, so bug off!!! And yes, smarty pants, I did stop between crying jags and notice "Mr. Bigshot" wrote more than "Hi Blottie." Nearly knocked my non existant hand knitted socks from Leah off. Can you believe it!???!!! He never writes anything of substance to me. FINALLY!! I have to get a F*#^!&g divorce and go through a major F*#^!&g melt down to get some lovin'!!!! Blottie was surprised!!! Ya just gotta love Mr. Wonderful because he's cute when he's charming!!! (However, I will admit he wrote the most beautiful email a few weeks ago. It's sort of a secret because of you know who (Megan). She get's jealous. You know, because of the wedding and all!)

Kylie, I love you so much. Thanks. I won't nurse this grudge. Wise words/sage advice. You know me, doing that would destroy me. I think that's what this process is all about, trying to find my way in one shit load of muck. But I'm wearing my British waders!!! ;) XO
~
Leah, Hi baby. Thank you. You're right. I often forget I can trust family and friends with my heart. I always hate to impose my problems on others, but I've learned through blogging and through all of you, that it's okay. And what's so interesting is that sharing my pain allowed all of you to share love and concern and help me through this process. I am forever grateful. I am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I swear, I've read the comments a dozen times. With each reading I gain knowledge. I'm confident I'm going to be fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed. And I think that's what I've found so interesting about this process...resiliance and the capacity to believe.

I found the words about your mom most helpful. It gives me hope. I invested so much in this relationship I don't know if I have the energy for anything else, but your mom found room in her heart after great pain. Honey, will you do me a favor and write about that on your blog. Some of the questions I have are: How old was she when she when she got a divorce? How scared was she? How did she meet someone new? Did she have doubts? Why did she put herself out there? Did she? Or was it just a happy accident?! I'd like to hear her story because it may help me navigate the next phase of my life. It's funny how you put so much into something and end up with nothing. Something good must come out of all of this pain. I have faith and hope. I would love to hear your mother's story.

I love you darling and thank you. I will always share with all of you and never delete. You reminded me that this is my story and it's important. I trust all of you with my heart.

With so much love,
Moi

~
Oh Rob, I won't burn the hat. I'm not that sort of woman. Can I give it to Bob. Seriously. I can't wear it because red has never looked good on me and Rob didn't take it with him. Bob will love it to death! He'll have to take a photo though!!! If you say yes, to Bob it goes.

I promise not to remain bitter. My sister's MIL remained that way after her divorce. She got cancer and died way too young. I can't be that sort of person. I just have to agonize for a year or so, and work my way through this so that I can find peace. You know me sweetie, I need peace in my life to create. Without peace I'm nothing. I'm just a bundle of nerves and that's no good. I can't live with this much pain and I can't live with this much stress. I'm a pretty mellow person, except for the time I was asked to step inside the squad car!

You know what I realized? Divorce is like death. I almost think it's as hard as death because it's death of a dream. I'll get through it. I'll be fine. I'm just so grateful to have friends and family help me. Doing this alone would be way too hard.

I love you darling and I miss you. I don't know why you left and you don't have to tell me. Just the fact you're here matters. I hope you, the family and dogs are okay (and wildlife if safe!!!). A big kiss and hug and you know I mean that. Oh, you know what I saw in the woods the other morning? A pheasant!!! A pheasant!!! Just a few feet away. I read your comment below. Yes, I do understand. I absolutely understand. I love you darling and thanks so much for your kind words.

XO
~

Bob, The hat is yours if Rob (Hunter) agrees. I can't wear it. I look stupid in red! I have no idea why. Email your address. I know Rob will say yes. He's a gem. Love you darling.

~
Cece, well this is redundant. We already talked on the phone. For all of you who don't know, Cece likes to call me on the freeway while she's driving home because I'm a bit less boring than traffic. Unlike CA, Arkansas doesn't ban cell phone use while driving *Suze rolls eyes in head.* We had the greatest discussion about iced tea. Iced tea is HUGE, HUGE I tell you in the south. I learned that after watching a show on the Food Network. Cece of course, thinks her's is the best because people from far an wide tell her so. I had to bring her down a notch or two because apparently the best is in North Carolia. She didn't believe me. I said "they've won SO many awards." Her reply, "Hummm." I don't think she believes me. Go to the Food Network to confirm. Cece didn't even come in second!!!

DON'T LET HER NEAR ME!!! SHE'LL KICK MY ASS! SHE'S ALSO BIGGER. SHE'LL CRUSH ME!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!

XO

hnter1018 said...

off to Bob it goes!!!

I too saw a pheasant last week. Incredibly beautiful birds;)

Suzanne said...

Rob, you know that's so funny because I grew up with a lovely grandmother who had a piano with a stuffed pheasant on top. So of course, I know what they look like. The kitties at the park are very aware of everything. They alerted me to something over yonder. I went to take a peek because that's what I do. I couldn't believe it. A pheasant!!! I've seen only the dead one. A real one is far more beautiful. You know how you feel when you see something really amazing? That's how I felt. It was beautiful and it wasn't afraid of me. I didn't have my camera so wasn't able to get a shot. I sometimes can't believe all I've seen at that park.

And off to Bob it goes. Thanks honey. You know he'll love it so much. Rob liked it very much, he just has this thing about the size of the bill. He's really picky about that sorta crap. I'm just so happy we can regift it to Bob. You know he's going to be one happy man!

Love you darling. Stop by as often as possible. It's so lovely to have you here.

XO

bindhiya said...

Dear Suze,
I am not sure what to say.. life is crazy at times... my pappa say appreciate the good, stay positive...
You know what am going through with two little ones...am not angry at all.. i'll write more in mourning may be...
I love you both with all my heart...
you both are in my prayers..
love you dear.
((hugs))
bindi

Suzanne said...

Bindi,

I know you love both of us equally. Don't ever, ever worry about that. You will never have to pick one over the other because we both love you very much. I'm just going through a rough patch right now and writing about it is helping. I'm pissed at him Bindi. I realize I'm grieving for what I've lost. And with my grief comes a bit of anger. It's just a phase and it'll pass. You know him Bindi. He's a good man. Perhaps that's the reason I'm in such agony. How could such a good man hurt me so deeply. My life is forever changed and I'm just trying to figure out how to live it. Alone.

Bindi, you have always been a better woman than me. Always. I strive to be the kind of woman you are, but I fall short all the time. Reading your words made me realize there's a better path than the one I'm on. I know all you've been through and are still going through and to harbor no anger and remain positive inspires me. Your pappa's a very wise man darling. I'm going to take his and your advice. And Bindi, you don't have to say another word. I know how much you love us. The relationship the three of us share will never change. We will ALWAYS be here for you.

You helped me realize there are so many people who love us very much and I have to be gentle with my words and pain because this divorce hurts all of you as well. Thank you darling. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't call. I haven't felt well, but will call as soon as I'm able. I love you. Kisses and hugs to Serene and Noah.

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