Tuesday, October 7, 2008

My darling friend Fannie sent this to me this morning. I laughed so damn hard I knew I had to share it. Yes. I'm still laughing.
~~

FINALLY!! Someone who agrees with my lifestyle!!!

An interview with World renowned health expert, Dr. Ima Nomskal......

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ~

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

~

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

~

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

~

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

~

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

~

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach

~

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

~

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
~
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather an attempt to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

-------------------------------------------------

And . . . . . For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
~
HAPPY TUESDAY MY DEAR FRIENDS!!! XO

21 comments:

ShutterSpy said...

Hehe - I've read those before, but they're still funny :)

Thanks for sharing :)

Suzanne said...

Hey you, you're welcome. Good morning, or good night! My kitties and dog gave me the luxury of a morning well spent for the first time ever. I've had a blast, but now it's time to boogie, get everyone fed and head off to the park. I have 45 minutes to get everything done. Of course I'm laughing!!! Possible? NOPE!

Love ya!

Leah said...

Brilliant. Funny, actually hilarious. Just what I always thought.

On a more serious note, Suze, I'm considering vegetarianism again largely because of you. I was a strict vegetarian, though not a vegan, for many years. What broke me finally was tuna salad, one of my favorite things in the world. And my reasoning was all animal rights rather than health; I figured I could do my teeny tiny little part.

Sarge is happy to eat vegetarian meals in the Middle Eastern style with which he grew up, but he definitely won't give up meat altogether. I discussed it with Hedgie, who thought about it and decided she couldn't do it herself. I'm not sorry about that, as it would take a great deal of work for me to make up the lacking vitamins/protein in a little hard-working growing body. I mean, of course it's doable, especially since soy protein is so readily available in a variety of tasty formats, but still not the easiest thing in the world.

But for me, I think it would be easy.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know of your positive influence.

xoxo

Maithri said...

LOL what a great post!

Needed that laugh today my friend,

Thank you,

Love, M

Random Chick said...

Oh. My. God.

This is absolutely brilliant! I think it is a conspiracy that we haven't heard this news sooner!

I'm going to only speak Japanese from now on...

Cecile called me and told me about her Father. She asked me to post something on the Wild Onion for her. I've been so busy trying to figure out my pain problem that I haven't had a chance to talk to her. I hope she is okay...

How are you doing by the way? I LOVED your turkey parade post. We had one of those parades the other day. We've got a while family of wild turkeys that invade our backyard on a regular basis. Our backyard faces a regional park so there is nothing behind us but wilderness...we love it! We get turkeys, racoons, deer, possum, and other critters regularly, which makes it hard to maintain a nice garden. It's okay because I know we're feeding the wildlife. Ha ha ha!!!

Hope you're doing well. Hey, I'd love to talk to you sometime on the phone. You can get my number from Cecile...but she's gonna be busy for a while.

Take care my dear!!!!
XOXOXO
RC

Suzanne said...

Leah,

When I opened Frannie's email this morning I laughed so hard and haven't stopped. I've read my post a gazillion times and I'm still laughing. Why is that so funny? You have my sense of humor, so you must know why. Why?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh crap. I love a good laugh.

Okay, on a more serious note. You go girl! I often think being a vegetarian allows me to exhale. I don't worry too much. I'm not killing an animal and that matters to me. It helps that I adore veggies. Always have. Couldn't imagine life without them. Surrounded by meat and fish sticks, I once said to my mom, "I can't live like this, I need tomatoes, why can't we have more veggies in the house?" She replied "Suzanne, when you start paying the bills we'll have more veggies." Wise ass. I knew she was serious because she always called me Sue, and Suzanne only when she was really pissed.

Kylie and I have discussed this. I can't be a Vegan because I adore cheese. So the way I deal with it is to research where my cheese comes from and make sure the animals are treated like family. Seriously. I love farmers who take pride in their work. Who care deeply about the planet, animals and people. I try to buy only organic, but sometimes that's impossible, so I do the best I can. I've made friends with all the guys/gals in every produce department in every market. We talk. "What's good this week?" It's remarkable how kind and informative people are if you simply make an effort. I also visit the Farmer's Market every week. It's the most fun place to be after returning from the park on a Saturday morning. I also try to live with Alice Water's philosophy of eating with the seasons. I grew up with her in Berkeley. She lived just up the hill and her resturant was just down the hill. Eat food in it's puriest form and enjoy. So I do. Do I do everything right? Hell no! I do the best I can.

Honestly, I don't think being a vegetarian is hard. My body always tells me what it needs. I don't really plan meals or think about balance. I simply eat what I want and somehow it works out! I seem to crave red stuff, so I eat lots of red stuff. I've learned that red is anti-cancer. If I get cancer I'm going to kick someone's ass. Seriously!

What I like to do, and I know you love to cook, is make a huge lasagna on Sunday, cut it into dinner portions for the week, freeze it, then serve it with salad and a really crispy, hardy bread. Simple, elegant, no fuss, no muss. I have to have salad. Romaine is the best lettuce. Next to Romaine, red leaf. I don't use salad dressing. I use herb goat cheese and Meyer's Lemon infused oil. That's it. Heaven. Trust me. Meyer's Lemon infused olive oil is very, very expensive, but trust me, it goes a long, long way. Worth every penny. I've had my $15 bottle for 2 months and I'm only half way through!

I'm also a huge fan of quiche. HUGE! I'm the Queen of Quiche. I love a little slice with a beautiful salad. Need a recipe? Knock on my door!

Love you darling. It's always so much fun to talk to you. We're going to have to exchange phone numbers soon. You know that! Oh, one more thing, the wee one will never notice a meat fill lasagna or quiche and a non-meat fill lasagna or quiche if you make them right. She'll get all she needs and so will Mother Earth.

Love you darling,
Me ;)

Suzanne said...

Maithri,

Hi sweetie. So glad to see your beautiful face. I know. Too funny!!! Without humor my life would be a complete bore!!! Glad to contribute to your day.

Hope all is well. I think of you so often. Will get my blog roll up and running soon and visit more often. Until then, take good care of yourself.

With much love,
Me

Mr. Shife said...

Holy crap this is hilarious.I think world renowned health expert, Dr. Ima Nomskal, is my new idol.

Suzanne said...

RC

Hi honey. Thanks!!!!! I love brilliant! I'm going to tuck your brillaint comment in the key pocket of my sweat pants. Hey! Don't you love that little pocket? I do. I love that you can fit more in it than just a key. I'm going to cut this short because I'm trying not to speak too much English.

I didn't comment on your pain post because I have way too much to say and have to give it more thought. I'll email. Wow, do we have some similarities. Yikes. By the way, that's an amazing post. I'll leave something there because I almost view it as information central and essential to the well being of human kind. I wish it could be left for a few weeks to attract comments like velcro to velcro. Chronic pain is a horrible thing and a very serious issue.

You sound like me with wild life. Too funny. I enjoy everyone. Come on in honey...welcome!!! What part of San Francisco are you in? It sounds like you're near UCSF? Am I right?

We will have to call one another, but for God sakes, do not out sophisticate me. What???!!! Of course I'm laughing. When Cece said that about you I swear to God I started laughing. Then she started laughing, then we were both laughing and she said "what are we laughing about." I laughed harder. I'll get your phone number from her when she's back to normal. Oh, and when I call, this will be the code word. "Suzanne." Or perhaps I'll say "Cece."

Love you darling. Hang in there. Hope you're feeling a wee bit better. Trust me, I understand.

Much love,
Me ;)

Skeeter said...

It all sounds like very good advice. Eating good things and being happy is what counts. Besides, I never have understand people's fixation on "figure". Round is a figure too! That should be a slogan! Kind of like "Give Peace A Chance" ... only with more pastry, beer and salted chips.

Best wishes,

Skeeter

Suzanne said...

Skeeter, are you Just Bob's brother? No, really. And did you know we had a blast with you the other night over at the Cafe? Yup! We did. I don't think you know that. If you need directions let me know. Of course I'm laughing because I agree that "round is a figure too." God my sister would marry you if she wasn't already married. Cher, get a load of this guy!!!

XO

Suzanne said...

Mr. Shife,

I KNOW!!! Is that too funny, or what?! I'm going to visit every morning just for a laugh. Good Lord. And you were the first to mention the doctors name. I read it and nearly died. No, nothing escapes me. Too funny.

Love you darling (you okay?),
XO

Suzanne said...

Mom,

I know you read this and had a really good laugh. I love you.

XO

Megan said...

Oh this was great fun to read, thanks Suzanne!

Suzanne said...

Hi Megan,

It's too funny. I just stopped by to read it again because I needed to laugh after watching the Fed Chairman on CNN. I could just smack him, but I'm opposed to violence.

Gotta run ~ tons of crap to do around here and sitting at the computer isn't on my to-do list.

Have a great day!

Random Chick said...

Hi Suzanne!
Hi Bob!
Hi Leah!
Hi Mr. Shife!

Gig said...

Hey Suze,
I seem to be following you...at the Onion, then justbob's...so I figured I would just stop by here to say HI!!

Can't sleep, so I am visiting, I should be posting, but do not have the energy for that,lol.

Ok, I must try and get some sleep, I will try to email you, so be watching for it.

love ya Suze,
Gig, xoxo

Suzanne said...

RC,

Hi Babe!!!

Suzanne said...

Gig,

Hi honey!!! Don't worry, just plant your ass here for a few minutes, you'll be fine! Love ya darlin'.

It's almost 11:00 and time for Suzy to go nite-nite. God I'm tired and will be up again at 4 am to begin this craziness all over again. Sometimes it feels like Ground Hog Day. I'm just tired.

XO

Suzanne said...

Amen. Gosh I want to be a vegan. Here is where that visualization excercise would do me well....filet mignon, ickee. chicken fried steak, gaross. Lobster....its just, its just....I cant. I cant. I will not be a vegan for a while longer.

There are willows and there are stumps. I am a willow thats life ended prematurely.

BTW: my horoscope today, I thought you might find this funny.

There is no point in sharing your deep thoughts unless you share every one of them. =D

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