Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hillary

I had her you know. I just couldn't keep her. Most of you are wondering what's been wrong the past week. So much, but one thing for sure is Hillary. She's missing. I walked out of the park today in tears. My darling friend comforted me. She's a mantenance worker and barely speaks English, but she knew and so she just hugged me. There we stood in the middle of Discovery Park just clinging to one another. I know Hillary isn't coming back. I know now. I gave her a week and that was almost too much time. I've known her for almost 2 years and she's a terrific mom. She would never, ever abandon her babies. One is missing, so I assume she was protecting him from the coyotes and lost her life (yes, I deal with coyotes). She left behind 5 babies. I walked out of the forest today in tears and I haven't stopped crying. Yup, a pink baseball cap is the best. I can pretend I'm normal if I just pull it low enough to hide my eyes, but dear friends know fake. They always know. What am I to do? I'll work it out. I always do, but right now it feels absolutely hopeless. I know it's not, but it feels heavy.

Life is so complicated.

XO


14 comments:

hnter1018 said...

suzanne sorry to hear that Hillary has disapeared. Any chance she is just nursing a wound?? Coyote are terrible around here. There are more flyers for missing little dogs and cats. Sucks to know that most of those people will never get eunited with their pets.

Please do check out the blog. The second one down may cheer you up a bit. You know I wouldn't send you there if it wasn't safe and if I did it would have a warning to you at the top

Rob

Suzanne said...

Thanks so much Rob. I considered nursing a wound. I've waited and waited for her to recover. She would never leave her babies. Never. She's the most dedicated mom. Even if ill, she'd show up to help me. You know me by now. I'm a realist. I know she isn't coming back and that just breaks my heart. And the wee one she probably died protecting is so dear to my heart. Life is often very cruel and yet I'm asked to endure it. I think it's unfair. I've held out hope for a week, but today I realized she isn't coming back and I just lost it.

Coyotes. I appreciate them, but they are so tough on my kitties. It's very hard to find a balance, you know? Rob, I understand nature. I do, but it's just hard at times to make sense of everything. So I struggle and I cry. Thank you for understanding and for your support. I've cried and felt sorry for myself, now I have to get down to the business of figuring out what to do with 5 motherless kittens. The real work begins.

Rob, I adore you. You know that. I often can't believe we connect, but we do!!! It's almost stupid/funny!!! Thank God for IV and that wacky post, cuz here we are!!! Perfection. Everything's going to be okay sweetie. You'll see. I'll keep you informed. And thanks for the link. I'll look. I trust you.

Much love,
Me!

hnter1018 said...

Suzanne people click when they understand and accept why and what a person is. People stop getting along when they can't. I understand why you are vegetarian and you understand why I hunt. You don't have to like it but choose to accept thats what I do.

I have always loved animals and wanted to be a vet when I was growing up. Then I found out you had to operate on them and I couldn't follow through.

Good luck with the kittens. How old are they??

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

This is so sad. I hope Hillary comes home soon. My friend had her 10 year old dog put to sleep tonight - Too sad for words really.

Bless the babies and that they survive well, a nice legacy from her after all that has happened. She carries on in them.

Suzanne said...

Hunter,

I love you darling. The answer will be revealed. I believe that with all my heart.

You would have made a great vet. Some of my dearest friends are vets, so I know their/your struggle. It isn't an easy row to ho. I know. But you could have done it. It's all about balance and finding your way. And surgery. Well, yes, that plays a roll!!!! Yikes!

Love you darling.

XO ;)

Skeeter said...

I'm so sorry to hear that she is gone. Hope the little babies are going to be strong and healthy.

Best wishes,

Skeeter

Mr. Shife said...

I am so sorry. I know how much your animals mean to you and how much love you have for them. I know it doesn't look good but I hope Hillary returns. Hang in there and I will hope for the best. Take care.

Suzanne said...

MOB,

What an odd day. And technically it's tomorrow. It's after midnight! Okay, so it's Friday and I'm still crying. I went to sleep for a bit, and woke up crying. I'm still crying. I thought coming here would help, but it doesn't. I have to load the dishwasher and do all the practical stuff around here, so I guess I should hop to it. I'm very late.

I realize why I blog. It's cathartic. I just said "I thought coming here would help, but it doesn't." That's not true. It does. I'm able to share happiness and pain with people I love and admire. I may be crying right now, but that's okay. It's good to let pain have a voice and wonderful when friends stick around. I just need a few days to work through this. I was in denial you know, but that's no way to live and no way to get what needs to be done, done.

Thanks for your kind words and support. It all matters you know. I'll stop by as soon as I have a few free minutes. Until then, take care.

With much love,
Suz

Suzanne said...

Skeeter,

Thanks sweetie. Everything will be okay as soon as I figure out what to do. The kittens are beautiful. I'd take every single one, but this house is so full I think I'm bordering on illegal! Seriously. A dear friend in the neighborhood who walks every day stopped by and we chatted the other morning on my way to the park. He said "So how many cats do you have now?" I thought perhaps my dear friend was fishing for valuable information, so said "I don't know, I lost count after six!" I think six is still legal! We got laughing so hard we nearly busted a gut. That in a nut shell, is my life.

And just so you know, he said something else that I'll tuck right here because you're probably the only one who will read it. My friend is a black gentleman about 65 or so and he said, I swear to God "I've always wanted to mention this and now seems like the right time...your hair is beautiful." Is that too funny or what? What is it about my grey hair that people notice???!!! I can be all puffy from crying and in absolute agony, but someone will always say "Hey, nice hair!"

Why do I blog? Because it makes me laugh.

Thanks for stopping by sweetie. Is the gopher gone yet?

Love you darling,
Me!

Suzanne said...

Mr. Shife,

Hi honey. So nice to see you here. How are you doing? I think about you almost every day and hope the unemployment checks have started arriving. Seriously. I watch the news and think of you and your family. I hope your wife is feeling okay. I worry you know. Not just about my stuff, but all stuff. I know. Pathetic. Like I don't have enough of my own stuff!!!

Thanks for the kind words about Hillary. She isn't coming back dear. I know her so well and having this blog to let go is a comfort. You know me by now, I'm so practical when necessary. This is a very practical moment. It's funny because I plan everything. I assume you know that. I can see months down the road and every kitty neatly tucked into my beautiful plan. But I never saw Hillary leaving me. Never. She's named after Hillary Clinton because she's strong and smart. Never, in a million years did I expect to lose her. Never. I don't know what to do yet.

Love you dear and thanks,
Suze XO

Walker said...

I'm sorry about Hillary.
I hate coyotes, we have them around here and they kill small dogs and cats too.

Queen Goob said...

My heart goes out to you; I understand how difficult this is.

HUGS!!!

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