Saturday, November 1, 2008

I remember...

It's blurry, but that's okay. I lost this darling boy along with his mom, Hillary. Life is often so difficult. You all know me by now. I struggle with life. I was at the park today and just lost it. I couldn't stop crying. It was raining and I was dealing with wee ones who were very hungry and trying desperately to figure out why life is so complicated. I didn't find the answer. Frankly, I don't think I ever will. I have five babies who need a mom and a home. The journey begins.
~
My tummy growled. I realize I haven't eaten in over 48 hours. Wow. I have so much on my mind I don't eat. That's not a good thing.

14 comments:

Skeeter said...

Hi Suzanne,

He was such a great looking cat too. The coyotes are really hard on domesticated animals. I hope that plenty of people will see you posts and remember to spay or neuter their pets.

Dunno if this will help or not, but when a person sees another one who is puffy from crying or just plain having one of the worst kind days like that, we feel obligated to try to cheer that person up. Who knows how though? *something* tells me that compliments won't work. Nice hair by the way ;-) Can I bake you some cookies? Would some chocolates help?

just bob said...

Suz...

Hun, it's wonderful that you take care of so many animals, but you really need to take care of yourself first. If you're not well, there's no way to can take care of all those that you want to.

OK, enough preaching for now... just bob

kylie said...

hi suze,
i'm sorry it's all been a bit rough for ya. things can only go up from here, right?

skeeter,
chocolate always helps, you learned that one real good !

love
k

Suzanne said...

Skeeter,

I hope so to. It matters you know. I had Hillary to spay, but she went absolutely insane in the carrier and I had to let her go. She lost that litter and I know it's because of me. It's funny you know, I've gone through every senerio at the park, every single one, but I never, ever considered I'd lose her. Never. Like I said, it's one thing to write about it, it's another to accept it. She isn't coming back and somehow I have to absorb it. But I don't know how yet. I keep thinking she'll walk out of the woods and everything will be okay. I asked God today, right out loud "Why would you do this?" This whole week has been about trying to cope. I've muddled through every single day and I can barely get through another one. I have to go back tomorrow, and Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednsday, and every day. How am I supposed to keep doing this? I actually came back to delete this post because it's so personal and I decided I didn't want to share it or read it ever again. But look how beautiful all of you are. I can't delete now. What is it about a choice that makes you relentless. That changes your life forever? Why do you take a certain path? And no matter how painful, never look back or consider a different one? Hillary made my life so much better and so did her wee one.

It's absolutely true sweetie, I am puffy! But I looked in the mirror and felt okay with all my puffiness. I need to get this out, no matter how horrible I look, I need to let her and the wee one go and then focus on what the hell to do with this mess. I haven't showered, but my hair still looks good!!! Thanks for noticing!!! I would like both chocolate and cookies!!! You're going to be a busy man and I'm going to be one very happy woman!

Thanks darling for your friendship and kindness. It matters far more than you know. Right now everything feel very raw, but we'll get through this, won't we? We've been through so much, haven't we?

Love you,
XO

P.S. Nice hair!

Suzanne said...

To should be too. Ugh.

Suzanne said...

Bob,

Are you a minister?

I know. Trust me. I'm not taking care of me. I still haven't eaten. It's what, like 50 something hours since my last meal. I don't know why, but I have no appetite. Honestly, I can't even imagine trying to eat something. I've had lots of water and some V8! That counts.

I'm not going to burden you because I know you don't deal with stuff like this very well, so just know I love you so much and thanks for caring. I'll be fine. I just need to get it out and move on. And I will, it just takes a bit of time, oh and Skeeter's cookies!

XO

Suzanne said...

Kylie,

Hello my darling Nerd Friend!

Life's hard sometimes. Isn't it. I got on the freeway after feeding the kitties this morning only to discover gridlock! Absolute gridlock. I was never going to make it home in reasonable time, but I'll tell you a funny story. Going to the park every day has familiarized me with every freakin' exit. I know stuff normal people don't!!!! Seriously. I thought, "Okay, all I have to do is get a half a mile and I'm home free!" Yup, a half a mile, exit, headed south, then east. Home free!!! No honey, I'm not just pretty, I'm smart too!!! Ahhhhhhhhh crap. I was like the only person getting off at the exit. I couldn't stop laughing. Everyone's staying on the freeway and not moving. Why? I wanted to shout "Follow me baby...we'll take the back route!" The back route's actually kinda nice. Old Route 40. Scenic. Goes through the bad part of Sacramento, but I like it. Why? Because of the architecture. Lots of old Craftsman homes. Lovely. And the neighborhoods are very lively. I like that too. I live in a very gentile community. Not much activity, so love going through a neighborhood that is mostly Hispanic or black and catching their vibe. It's so much fun. Especially on a Saturday morning. I notice I take the long route on a Saturday morning just to have fun!

Crying and puffy, I still made it home in record time. What? I may be very, very emotional, but I'm also very, very logical. Practial too. I probably should have been an engineer or an architect. Oh right, I was almost an architect. Of course I'm laughing my ass off! What do ya do babe? You keep movin' on. She's not coming back. Is she? I know. Where do I tuck that honey?

Megan said...

Oh Suzanne.

Please, honey, take care of yourself.

Suzanne said...

Megan,

Thanks baby. I try. What am I going to do? I can't seem to find my way, you know? But I will.

XO

Thanks.

Leah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne said...

Leah,

I wish you could march right over here too. When I move back to the east coast you'll have to do that. Oh, and with spinach lasagna of course! That sounds really yummy, but I still don't have an appetite. I'm going to heat some broth and see if I can get that down.

I'm going to sit here for a few minutes in an effort to calm my household down. If I sit, everyone sits. They've been behaving like fools for over two hours. ENOUGH!!! The dishwasher's going, I'm on the second load of laundry, the kitchen is half clean, so I deserve a few minutes of me time. Right? Thank you!

Going to the park was hard today. Being alive is hard today. I'm a puffy mess and feel exactly like you think a puffy mess would feel. Puffy and messy. Oh, and I didn't get a shower either, but something really funny happened at the park today. I was back in the woods with my kitties crying my heart out for a long, long time, then realized I had to go home. Depressed and sad I headed back to my car with tears still running down my face and my arms loaded with my pink bag and two plastic shopping bags filled with empty cans, etc. I swear to God, I know I look homeless when I walk out of the woods and head down the bike path. People are usually shocked I have the keys to the Mercedes! Today was no exception. Three lovely ladies were standing near the bathroom with their bikes, which is near my car. They eyed me with suspicion the whole way and as I approached them they looked a little nervous. They didn't realize I was walking to my car. I started to laugh when I open the truck and they knew why. One said "I swear, if you'd come any closer I was going to kick your ass." We all laughed so hard and I needed to because I felt like absolute garbage. Oh, and she could have too. All three looked like tiathelets. Remember Brian's blog with that kick-ass female athlete? That's what they looked like, only in colorful bike gear. I had to go to the bathroom to wash my hands and one woman had to move her bike and her body to allow me through and we started laughing. I said "What, you thought I might assault you with my pink bag and plastics?" We were all just laughing too damn hard. God I needed them today. One asked what I do and I told her I feed ferals. I don't know why this always happens to me, but she asked if she could hug me. I said of course. Hug festival at the park again. I meet the nicest people at that place.

Love you darling and thanks so much for caring. I'm trying to imagine my life one month down the road in an effort to gain perspective and get through this mess. Why can't you live next door? I have the perfect kitties for Heggie. I hold them and they purr so load. They're so perfect for your big kitchen and especially for your table!

Oh, I have another funny story. After the park I had to go to PetSmart for kitty food and litter. I often forget the Mercedes is an automatic and don't put it in "PARK" because I still think I drive my BMW which was of couse was a standard shift. I pulled into the parking lot, got out and went to the passenger side to get my purse from under the seat (I hide it there when I'm at the park) and noticed my car was rolling out of the parking slot. WTF!! Errrrrrrr...PARK!!! I cranked so hard, but noticed I almost hit a Lincoln Town Car. I thought of you! So that's what it looks like?! The one I almost hit was maroon. What color is yours? Oh, and I noticed it's very round. Lots of soft edges. The Mercedes probably would have slid right off it. That's usually how my day goes.

Love you darlin'
XO ;)

Suzanne said...

Please forgive my typos and that one really bad sentence. Hey! Perfection is an empty goal.

XO

once in a blue moon... said...

just stumbled on your blog, we have a lot in common. i would say too much really, because i can feel your pain. i gather you care for the cats in the park, do you fix them all too? i am so sorry you are missing some... i hope you can take the babies home with you. i learned you can fix them at 2 pounds, the sooner the better... i just want to thank you for caring, its a heart breaking situation.

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