Friday, February 1, 2008

My Dear Ireland...

I was gone last week for a few good reasons. I needed time to reflect. My blog was getting too big and I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't figure out how to live my life and continue with it. Then something really horrible happened and put everything in perspective.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 I rescued my darling feral kitty, Ireland, from the park. It was raining, he was the only kitty who showed up, he was wet and cold and I knew it was our time. I didn't bring the carrier as I always do, so left him to eat and walked back to the car to get it. Only to discover he had followed me. I said "Honey, why don't you just get in right here and save us the trouble." He didn't. Together we walked back to his food in the rain. When he was through eating I simply picked him up and put him in the carrier (my feral kitties are all dear friends) and then the real fun began. He wasn't happy and tried to bang his way out. I told him to relax, everything would be okay. I called Rob and asked him to please prepare the family room for a new arrival. Before leaving the park I spoke into the wind and told his mom and sister I loved them and that I was sorry. I asked them to trust me. They love him so much and I knew they would miss him. They are the most precious kitty family I have ever known. They absolutely adore one another.
~
We arrived home and I left him in the car while I organized the family room. I never do that, but for some reason I felt he would be better off alone than with me for a few minutes. When I had the family room perfect I went to collect him. Rather than bring him through the house, I decided to take the back entrance, so had to go through the gate to the back yard and then through the garage, then into the family room. When I went to open the gate, the carrier hit either the fence or the shrub and Ireland went insane and hit against the carrier at the same time the act of hitting something dislodged the knob. In an instant the carrier malfunctioned, opened and Ireland escaped. I threw down the carrier and ran after him into our neighbors yard, but lost him. In tears I rang Betty Ann's door and asked her to please help me find him. We couldn't.
~
It's been one week to the day. I've plastered the neighborhood with flyers, posted photos on every stop sign, gone door to door and left info, but to no avail. I've received 4 calls and all have been helpful. He is here, just not with me. I am in so much agony, you have no idea. It's ugly. It's awful how you go over your mistakes again and again in hind-sight. If I'd just done one thing differently, none of this would have happened. But it did happen and unfortunately here I am typing this. I don't care about me, I care about him. I don't want him to be cold or wet or hungry or lonely. I have the biggest clump of guilt hovering all around me. And I don't know what to do.
~
There are five stages of grief:

1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
~
I've spent the past week dealing with #1 and today hit #2. I was so angry that Rob actually said "Wow, you okay?" No, I'm not okay. I just want him back. I don't want to get to #3, 4 and 5. I want to stay right here and get him back. To think of him alone, out in the big old world without his mom and sister breaks my heart. What have I done?
~
I realized that blogging and all of you make a difference in my life. As much time as it takes, it matters, so I'm staying right here. Look, I'm sharing this with all of you. Why? Because you're all kind and wise and perhaps you have the answer. I feel as if I'm running out of time, so I need all the help you can give. If you have any advice, please share it.
~
With love,
Suzanne

25 comments:

kylie said...

oh dear, suze,
sometimes you can only do what you can do and you did your best. ireland is a feral, so he knows how to take care of himself. i know the kind of pain you're in and can only say "this too, will pass"
love,
k

Suzanne said...

My dear Kylie,

No, it's can't pass. I love him so much and I can't grasp the pain I've caused him. I will find him. Trust me. I will.

Thank you. I love you.
Suze

bindhiya said...

Good Morning Dear Suzanne,
sure, you will find him...
So many things are not in our control...the past you can not change...
I'll pray for him to return.
love
bindi

Kärt said...

Hello.

I'm really sorry to hear about your pain. But I think that you can't afford that right now and maybe not ever. You've taken on your "burden" and that is takin care of all those other kitties. I'm not saying that this means that you don't love them or don't look after them right now but this is certainly affecting them and you can't allow that. None of us can have everything.
Ireland will be alright by himself. If he want's to come back he will. It's not like you asked him if he wanted to come with you in the first place you just assumed he did. You don't want him to be cold and wet and hungry and I understand that but you have to understand that for him it's different. He's been cold and wet and hungry before. He knows that you can't always be ok. Us humans always take these things for granted, we shouldn't. You say that you've caused him pain. Do you really think him so unable to be alright alone? He's a cat. Cats are survivors. I think he'll live, with or without you. And you can't be so selfish as to think that he will not.
And I will wish you good luck in search for him.
Life is like this.

Mary Cunningham said...

I'll be thinking good thought. Hope you find Ireland, or that he finds you, again.

Suzanne said...

Dear Bindi,

Quick, quick, I'm off to feed the ferals and I'm late as always! Thank you sweetie. I'll find him. I wish I could go back a rewrite the past.

I love you,
Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Kart,

Welcome and thatnks for your comment. How very kind of you to take the time to write. I disagree with only one thing. I did ask him and he said yes. He allowed me to pick him up and place him in the carrier. I'm determined to find him and I will. I'll write more later, for now I have to get my butt out of here and feed the ferals.

Thanks again for stopping by.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Hi Mary,

Either way will be fine with me. I'm confident the outcome will be good. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Have a great day.

XO Suzanne

bindhiya said...

Dear Suzanne,
You'll find him, sure...
Back in home I have my neighbor's dog, but we can say it is our, cause all day he will be with me, where ever I go he will follow and be always in our house. Then I was away from my home for a month, he go from there too...nobody saw him...later after 3 months he came back...
sure, ireland will be back...
take care
love
bindi

Kärt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kärt said...

Yes, that was the one part in my comment that I had doubts with. :)

'54Bomber said...

G'day Suzanne,
I am so sorry to hear that Ireland has run away :(
He is most likely keeping warm and dry; or perhaps someone has found him and taken him into their home; or to an animal shelter.
Keep to your normal routine of feeding your feral kitties in the park. One day your Ireland will appear when you least expect it. Please keep looking closer to your home too.
Don't despair.

Love,
Mark.

Cecile said...

Well, cats have a tendency to be able to survive all on their own. I believe that even though we attempt to domesticate them, they always have a tendency to retain some of their wild instincs. I hope Ireland finds his way home, but you have to remember that his escape is not of your doing. You cannot beat yourself up over this. You have suffered so much in the past couple of months with the loss of your tree, the health of your father in law, and now the great houdini act Ireland has performed, Please, Suszanne, you need to just go and take some time for yourself submerse yourself in something that makes you happy and forget the cares of the world, for at least a day or two.

Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

Oh Suzanne! You did what you could, the best that you could....the kitty will be fine. He is use to living on his own! You are so kind to worry about this....it is in your soul.
Penny

Stephen Parrish said...

I've had cats "run away" for weeks at a time. Chances are excellent you'll find him again.

renee said...

Dear Suzanne,

Your story about Ireland and you is really sad. I can understand that you are in a tough place right now. I will hope that Ireland is okay - also that you go easy on yourself too. I am very sorry to know you are sad, and angry....wishing you some peace. Love, Renee

bindhiya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne said...

Renee,

Hi baby. Can you believe that? How does this crap keep happening to me?! I keep thinking life will get simpler. Of course I'm laughing. What else. It doesn't. Renee, help me!

Love you to death...
Sue
p.s. Honey, if you're going to blog you actually have to open a blog site! Need my help?!

Suzanne said...

Dear All...

I had to write to Renee first because she's my dear neighbor from L.A. She knows and understands all and hardly ever writes. We've love kitties, rabbits, dogs, and birthed babies...it all matters. My life would be empty with out her. So you know how important she is to me. Please understand.

She will have a blog soon if I have anything to say about it! She's a gem.

XO Suzanne

Robyn said...

Suzanne!

First off, how my heart aches for you and Ireland! I am praying hard for his dear little soul to come back!

Secondly, I want to share something that happened with Siam and I a couple years ago. It nearly destroyed me! Jim and I were living in Rio Linda..(now I know what you are going to say..but it was a lovly piece of property we rented and had all kinds of live stock around us!)where we were renting a 2 bedroom on a 1/4 acre. All the ranchettes around us had lovely animals/livestock around us. Jim and I loved taking long walks around our neighborhood.

Ok..ok on with the story. Siam has always been an indoor/outside cat. ALWAYS! So, when we moved on to this property he was in kitty heaven. Chasing butterflies, sneaking around like he was a tiger. Climbed a tree or two. But all I had to do was call his name or ring a bell. And I would hear him running back home. I was either in our front yard or back yard.

Well, one very stormy night...it was starting to get bad and Siam still had not popped his sweet face in to say hello. That was around 3pm. I started to worry a bit...I went out with slicker on and called and called! NOTHING! That is when my heart sank! I have NEVER not heard his little bell on his collar! I started to YELL of him. still nothing! I went back into the house losing my breath I was yelling at Jim to get up and go look with me. He knew something wasn't right! Jim and I were out till almost 12 midnight searching and yelling for Siam. At one time I had about 5 neighbors out looking with us. We came home WITHOUT SIAM! We couldn't find him...my baby was lost and not with me! I lost it. I had to call in sick for about 5 days because I was so sick with worry. My family came over everyday to go look for me...still nothing. After flyers, calls and more calls and more flyers and knocks on doors, I knew I had to stop. 2 weeks had passed.

7 months later...at about 230am on a cool Saturday. I thought I heard something, something very familar! I turned down the TV, I cranked my head to listen, I heard it again! I woke Jim up...then it was getting closer! I ran to the front door where the noise was coming, I threw open the door, to see Siam running with all his might up into my arms! We both sobbed for hours, I won't let him go. He was much thinner and hoarse from meowing. But I looked into his eyes and I knew he was HAPPY! For 2 weeks straight, Siam never left my side!

And to this day, Siam does not go to far from me, and only stays in our backyard. NEVER trys to explore. Those days are over for him.

The point I am trying to make is that your little ferral kitty will come home soon! You watch...Ireland will be back!

I have missed you too, terribly and glad to see you back here but saddened to hear all that has happened! Take care sweety and know that I am praying for you!

Here is another email to try:

raven3@surewest.net

Many hugs!
Robyn

floots said...

hi
sorry - i have no real advice other than that already given - keep up the routine
just wanted to send good wishes from another cat lover

Kaneischa said...

as, Suzanne! I am so sorry you are feeling upset :( But cats have an intuitive sense of home...something tells me that he will return to you!

Please have a great weekend...

~KJ

neelima said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bindhiya said...

Dear Suzanne,
hope you had a good day!
we were planned to be in SIL's house but a little bit change..we are heading tomorrow..
Have a nice weekend.
take care
love
bindi

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