Saturday, January 19, 2008

Okay, Okay, Okay, I'll Post, But The Tree Is Going And My Heart Is Breaking, So I'm Pretending Everything Is Okay...

Our tree is saying goodbye today. The estimates came in at $1,000 and $850 to remove her. We consulted with a neighbor down the street who owns a good chainsaw and has done work for us before (excellent by the way), and said he'd do it for $450. We agreed. I had selected all the limbs I wanted saved for the arbor, and had a photo and drawing with the dimensions to show him, but something happened when I saw his truck and the chainsaw. I became very emotional and started to cry, and I'm still crying. I can't seem to stop. Rob had to discuss saving limbs and building the arbor with him instead. I have no idea what will be saved because I refuse to watch. When I heard the chainsaw start, I sobbed. Poor Rob had to actually run to the store to buy another box of tissues because I used so many I ran out.

Some of you reading may not understand this post, or about caring so deeply for a tree, but it is such a huge part of our lives as well as a strong, constant and beautiful presence in our yard. When she's gone, she will leave such an enormous void and we can't quite deal with it yet. All that beauty gone. T-Bone once sat under it for hours waiting for his tennis ball to come back to him. He and Rob had been playing and the ball became lodged in one of the branches way up high. Even though T-Bone got new balls, he wanted his old ball, so he'd go out everyday and sit and wait for it. After many, many attemps, Rob was finally able to knock it out with another tennis ball and T-Bone was so happy to get that glob of bacteria back. I knew he would because Rob's a good shot. He's played ice hockey since he was a wee one and was even captain of the high school team that won the CA State Championship way back when. Played in college too. He's a skilled skater and puck handler, so that tennis ball didn't stand a chance. We finally had to retire that particular ball about a year ago, and it was obvious T-Bone was sad. It's funny how you develop an attachment to something and when it's gone it takes a while to right yourself. I'm not there yet, so I'm going to pretend I still have a tree that's big and beautiful and leaning towards the house.
~~
(Two Days Later)
I have tried for days to write this post and can't seem to get through it. I came back tonight for one last ditch effort and I'm determined. I just read the above and tears are streaming down my face again. Why is this so hard? I wouldn't look the first day you know. I stayed in my office and pretended the chainsaw was at the neighbors house. But I've had to deal with it the past two days and I think reality is often very harsh. Our whole house opens to the back yard, so I can't walk through it and not see the ugliness. I want so very much to go back, but I can't. So I'm going to pretend for a while longer.
~
Today something interesting happened. Many of the big pieces of wood still remain as well as all the small branches and twigs (tons of stuff). I was walking to the kitchen and saw all the kitties at the windows and went to investigate. There were literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of birds in our yard. It was amazing. I started to cry (I love birds and feed them). The tree was a haven for so many birds and it was as if they'd all come back to say goodbye. I felt humbled and thankful. I realized, like Rob said "We have to move on." And I will. Eventually.
~
Thanks to all of you who have been so kind and generous with your time and words. You mean so much to me and I want you to know that you've made a difference in my life. I'm very lucky to have you.
~
With much love,
Suzanne
~
P.S. I've just realized this was my goodbye to our tree. Now, perhaps I can move on, but I'm still crying, so not completely convinced.

55 comments:

kylie said...

RIP

kylie said...

RIP

'54Bomber said...

It has been 20 days since the storm took your tree. Rob is right, it is time to move on.You might not be ready to but you must for your own sake. Building a rose arbor with some of the limbs is a terrific idea.

bindhiya said...

Dear Suzanne,
I sure can understand your pain.I know it is not only a tree it is part of your life.
"Reality is always harsh" we only can pray god to give us more strength.
am with you in spirit dear one and praying for you to go through this hard time.
love
bindi

Stephen Parrish said...

Don't repress your feelings. Cry all you want. Grieve for the tree like you would grieve for any other creature you've lost. And know that one day the good memories will take over and the tears will give way to smiles.

From one sentimental person---and tree lover---to another.

Church Lady said...

I just saw you on Stephen's, and am upset you didn't mention anything about my nice hairdo or sporty new suit.
In any case, your writing doesn't suck as much as you want it to. That takes years of practice.

And I love artists. I'm collecting them on my sidebar. ('cause I write about art for kids)

:-)

Nancy J. Bond said...

I would grieve, too, for the loss of such a beautiful tree. They take so long to grow, and give such wonderful gifts, only to be snatched away in a matter of seconds. The arbor sounds like a great "memorial". (I came via Stephen's blog.)

Your art is beautiful.

NAME: CIELO said...

Hi my dear Suzy..... I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful tree.... trees always amaze me; they have certain sacredness to them that make my worship our Creator. But don't be too sad; just plant a new one, and see it grow before your eyes....

"The trees are God's great alphabet: With them He writes in shining green across the world His thoughts serene."
~Leonora Speyer

Have a great day, my dear.

Cielo

Cecile said...

Continue with your plans with the arbor, and plant a new tree. But take one of your favorite photographs and paint a picture of the tree. Attempt to capture the trees beauty on canvas and preserve it forever. If you can paint roses as well as you do, I know you can paint the tree you love so much.

krystyna said...

Hi Suzanne!
I understand very much your big pain. As I said you last time, I love the trees too.
Trees are one of the most important and beautiful part of Nature. They have a specific energy.

In our life we have a good and bad experiences. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand "why" this happened.
I have a very sad time too. My little (2,5) grandson was healthy, nice baby. Never sick through 2 years (even little bit), than suddendly he was diagnosed with leukemia. My son and his wife(of course me to) were devastated. Before he was born they bought new house. After this diagnose they wanted to sell this new, lovely house and everything. They care only about what and how to do to save Kevin's life. It was impossible. Kevin takes chemotherapy, now its 6 months.
But we must accepted this situation.

We must accept good and bad situations and bless good and bad things.

I want to say what Stephen said.
My English is very humble so I stole it from him:

From one sentimental person---and tree lover---to another.

Big huggg!

krystyna said...

Please, pray or sand positive thoughts and energy to my Kevin.

Take care and be always strong!

The Queen said...

Dear One,
As alittle girl til I went off to college I climbed trees. It was amazing to be perched at the top of the tree with a 360 degree view of my neighborhood. My favorite tree was a kumquat tree in our backyard. It wasn't the tallest or the largest but it had lovely dark green leaves and sported wonderful orange fruit in the winter months. I made a club house in it where I could hide out from chores, brothers and read my favorite books while munchin on tangy fruit. I even sold little bags of the fruit to kids at school. That tree was my buddy,playmate and protector from the world. I still miss that tree!
It will get better with time. Now when I think or talk about that tree...it's just another happy memory.
Love to you,
Shara

Robyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robyn said...

First off...that was me who deleted I noticed too many spelling errors it was truly embarrasing! So sorry about that! On to what I was posting!

Oh dearest Suzanne!
I too, am just welling up over here. I am so very sorry to that you have to go through this. She was truly beautiful. You poor thing. Sending you a big ol' cyber hug! And lots of warm thoughts. Love that you are going to do an arbor in her honor. That is a wonderful idea and one that might bring some healing along the way.

Grieve as much as you need too. It is important too, I feel. Remember her and all her greatness. One day your might even be able to paint her as Mark suggested. I am here for you dear friend. I offer a shoulder to lean on and a warm embrace. Talk to you soon Suzanne. I am thinking of you and Rob.

Here again is my email:

www.grneyedraven3@hotmail.com

or

www.raven3@surewest.net

Please email dear heart! Lots of hugs and warm smiles coming your way!
Robyn

Peter said...

Thinking of you, Suzanne. Take care.

x

'54Bomber said...

Thinking of you too, Rob. You must be,to use some Aussie vernacular, "A bonzer bloke". Good luck with everything.
M.

bindhiya said...

Good Morning Suzanne,
Just stopping to say "have a good day"
love
bindi

Arthur Dent said...

A small gift for you, Suzanne, but only if you promise to remember with joy, not sadness, and look forward to the future, leaving the past where it belongs...

(Go ahead and Google it, but this is an original I wrote when I was 15 or so...)

The Tree

A small seed falls, blown by the wind,
And lands with the slightest sound,
Not really sure of what it's doing,
Lying on the ground.

And when the rain falls on the land
It swells until it bursts,
From the crack upon its side,
A root burrows into the Earth.

Time goes by and roots spread wide,
The one root becomes many,
Though it feels it is quite large it's the size of a roll of pennies.

Months turn to years the tree stands tall,
Steadfast upon its mount.
It has seen seasons come and go,
Too numerous to count.

But then one day (it might have been May),
There came a thunderous crash!
When the smoke had cleared, the storm disappeared,
The tree was mostly ash.

But in the breeze,
There fell a seed,
Softly, to the ground...

************************

My condolences for your loss.

CSI Seattle said...

Okay, that's it. I jumping into my truck and driving down to Northern California to give you a hug.

Keep an eye out for me.

Kaneischa said...

Suzanne...will you plant another tree? To take care of and grow old with?

~KJ

Suzanne said...

Kylie,

Thank you for your friendship.

XO Suze

Gig said...

Suzanne,
I can only hope that each day will get a little brighter for you since the loss of your beautiful tree. Thinking of you.

Deb

Suzanne said...

Hey Mark,

Twenty days. Really. I hadn't counted. Thank you for doing so. I marked the event on my calender, of course. And yes, I will certainly move on because I know I can't stay in this funk forever.

The arbor is out. I'm building a trellis or two instead because I can't lift any of the limbs Mark saved to build the arbor. He asked me to sort through them and I thought, "Okay, no big deal." I discovered the tree is hard wood and the limbs are SO heavy. After working for over an hour trying to get huge limbs into my pile in the rain and cold, I looked at my still small pile, the huge wreckage that was my tree, and considered all the work I'd yet to do, and decided, NOPE! A trellis she will be. I selected all my wood and twigs in less than 30 minutes and that was that. Now I just have to build them when I find the time.

Thanks for always taking the time to write. I enjoy hearing from you.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Kylie,

Strange, I wrote to you before writing to mark, but it didn't post. Oh well, imagine you're reading this before reading my comment to Mark. Does that make it all better?!

Thanks for your friendship.

XO Suze

Suzanne said...

Dear Bindi,

Thank you so much. You're right, it's hard, but I'll survive.

Memory is such a wonderful thing. When my Grandmother died I couldn't cope with opening my address book and seeing her phone number, address, birthday, year she was born, etc.. It hurt terribly that the information had survived, yet she'd vanished. I found a quote, all those years ago, and wrote it next to her address and it reads, "If you love something very much, it is always alive." It's been a comfort to me. Her address and phone, etc. are still in my address book, and so is the quote. If I happen to pass it as I'm looking for something else, I stop and read everything because it confirms she actually existed. I know she is still with me every single day and the memory of her hasn't faded in almost 18 years. I think it will be the same with my tree. Some things deserve a perfect memory, and to always remain alive.

Thank you for your friendship and support. You know how much I appreciate both.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Hi Stephen,

Welcome! I'm so glad you made it. Thanks for your kind words and support. I agree, one day this will get a whole lot easier. I'm going to do as you suggested and let the process take it's course. Good advice from a wise man.

Visit often and I'll do the same. I really enjoy your blog and will link to it as soon as I find the time because I know so many of my friends will enjoy it. Hope that's okay. Talk to you soon. And again, thanks.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Church Lady,

I was laughing even before I started to write. You're a hit! Welcome and stop in as often as you like.

I didn't mention anything about your nice hairdo or sporty new suit because I couldn't get past the hat. Frankly, I don't recall even noticing them. Probably the same way you didn't notice my tree. We'll do better next time.

As for my writing, thanks for the compliment, I think. Technically it doesn't "suck as much as I want it to," so does that mean it still sucks?!

Glad to hear your collecting artists on your sideboard because I'm collecting comedians.

Great to talk to you ~ keep in touch and I'll do the same.

XO Suzanne

bindhiya said...

Dear Suzanne,

Hope you had a good day...
Grandma's are so special! aren't they?

I loved my grandma more than my mom. she was my best friend. after school she will be looking for me to be in home....to hear my stories. She was gone when I was in college. She was 58 years. she never been to hospital, not even the last day.
when am in school, only one aim, find a good job and buy a house for my grandma....
She is in my heart always... as you say "I know she is still with me every single day and the memory of her hasn't faded in almost 18 years.",....
still am alive it will be same....here i don't even have a photo of her...but she is in my heart so clear I don't need a photo.


love you dear one.
bindi

bindhiya said...

Hi Suzanne,
I did post a "good morning' early morning. I don't know where it go? May be my pappa got it.... Wake up and the first thing I did was write a letter to Pappa and a Good morning to you......I know if I am late I will not get time to talk.

today i got a little bit time than past few days...cause no cooking...
talk to you soon.
love
bindi

krystyna said...

Hi Suzanne!
Just stoping to send you a smile and hugsss!

Robyn said...

Dearest Suzanne!

Where are you dear heart?! Worried over here...I haven't heard from you here or email. I am hear when ever you want to talk or just remember! Sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts and love the idea of a Trellis! Good show! Take care sweety. I mean it email or whatever. I have been thinking of you alot since working my 3 12's. Let me know you are ok...girly!
Love ya!
Robyn

kylie said...

hi suze,
i wrote a comment for you too, but it didnt post.....i take no notice of who you answer first, so worries.
glad to see you about, missed you for a day or two there

Suzanne said...

Group Hug Comment to Bindi, Krystyna & Robyn,

Technically I'm taking you out of order because it's Nancy J. Bond's turn, but she seems like a very generous lady. I suspect she'll understand. I have to go to bed. It's almost 11pm and my sleeping pattern is back on track the past few nights, so trust me, I'm fadding here. By the way, did the three of you read Arthur Dent's poem? It brought tears to my eyes this morning. In fact all the comments on this page are so kind and generous. I'm a lucky woman.

Bindi ~ Have a wonderful day. I've missed saying that to you the past few days but didn't even get on the computer. I'll explain why in a post as soon as I have time. And yes, Grandmothers can be amazing and it sounds as if you and I were very fortunate. Mine truly is as alive as the day she died. I'll write more when I have time and energy. Thanks for everything sweetie.

Krystyna ~ Thanks for the smile and hugs. You have no idea how grateful I am. It's been a rough few days and I need them. Smiles and hugs to you too.

Robyn ~ Thank you for worrying. You are too sweet. I'm okay just a bit out of sorts here. I'll write as soon as I can. I've been thinking about you too. In fact I'm missed you all so much. We'll talk soon.

I love you all and thank's for caring and taking the time to writing. Have a Happy Friday!

Much love,
Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Kylie ~ Your comment just popped up as I posted the comment to Bindi, Krystanya and Robyn. I was just about the go to bed, but have to say goodnight to you before I shut this things off. I'm missed you too, but needed to take some time off. I'll explain in my next post. Hopefully I'll find the time to do so tomorrow. Hope you're okay, happy and all the good things that matter. Talk to you soon. Love you my dear, Suze

bindhiya said...

Good Morning Suzanne,
wish you beautiful day ahead...
love you dear.
talk to you soon.
bindi.

ps. arthur's poem is beautiful. simply great..

Lizette said...

I was touched by this post.
Sorry to hear you have to go on but it's the best.
Also thank you for visitng my blog. It is not neccesary to comment after I have left a comment for you. I know you've probably read my comment and that's enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I like that you comment but I know you're busy.

Cecile said...

I have not seen any wonderful comments from you grace my blog in a couple of days and I am now having my Suzanne withdrawl. I must have ego boosting comments pronto or I will be forced to drink decaffinated cofee with a shot of expresso added just to keep myself going! I hope you are doing well, and I just wanted to check in on your Dad-in-law. Good thoughts and wishes are being sent your way through cyper space! Take care my friend, but don't take it too far.:-)---Cecile

'54Bomber said...

Hey Suzanne,
Welcome back :)
It is 7:00 Saturday morning & I haven't been awake long and the first thing I did was fire up the old PC to check in on you. I should have known that you would have marked the date on your calendar; oh well:)I hope you didn't catch a chill moving all that wood out in the rain and cold. Take all the time that you need to build the trellis.
Best wishes to you and Rob,
Much love,
Mark.

The Queen said...

Dearest Suzanne,
Hope the weekend brings you some closure. As for me, I'm boxing up and moving...only across the tennis court way still it feels like a new beginning again. lol
I love starting over...always so much hope and expectations...nothing seems impossible.
Thinking of you,
Shara

Skeeter said...

Hi Suzanne,

I'm sorry for your loss. During the ice storm here, two of the three trees in my yard died. It was so sad to see the birds coming later to mourn the trees. I hung suet for them under one of those trees and parked a big bird bath for them under the other. The squirrels have even stopped coming by. It's just not the same anymore, not even close. It will be bare until Spring. I'll plant new trees then. Will you be able to put a new tree in that spot?

bindhiya said...

Dear Suzanne,
Wish you a Good day!
Hope you got some rest..
love
bindi

Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

Oh, I know how you feel. I grew up with a father that taught us all about nature and I could name every tree just looking at a leaf or the bark....When trees died at our house growing up, they became steps down to the lake, or borders for flower beds. We actually had a tree growing through our front porch, my dad builtthe porch around it.

Plant a new tree and watch it grow...
Hugs,
Penny

bindhiya said...

Good Morning Suzanne,
Hope you doing fine...
We miss you dear....
take care
love
bindi

Mary said...

Hi Suzanne,
thanks for visiting my blog, and for your kind comments. I'm so sorry about your tree We have a Norway maple in our yard that was planted around the time I was born, and it is reaching the end of it's natural lifespan, so I can relate. I think the arbor idea is wonderful -- it will always remind you of your tree.

Love your paintings, and I'm looking forward to visiting often and seeing your garden in summer!
xoxo,
Mary

bindhiya said...

Good Morning Dear Suzanne,
How you doing?
Wish you a good day...
Take care dear
love
bindi

Suzanne said...

Hi Nancy,

Welcome. I'm glad to see Stephen brought so many nice people with him! Thanks for the nice compliment and for the support.

The arbor is out because the wood is just too heavy. I'm going to make a trellis or two instead.

I stopped by your blog and really enjoyed myself. Nice work! We'll chat soon ~ stay in touch.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Dearest Cielo,

Thank you. You always find the right words. You bet we'll plant another tree!

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Hi Cecile,

Mark suggested I paint the tree too. I've never painted a tree and don't even know if I can. Isn't that funny?

Thanks for your love and support ~ always appreciated.

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Dear Krystyna,

I will send loving and positive thoughts to Kevin. I hope for his full recovery. What a heartbreaking thing to have happen to such an innocent little boy. Yet in the midst of it all, you find time to send positive thoughts my way. How kind is that?! Thank you my dear. We'll talk soon.

Love you,
Suzanne

Thank you for sending positive energy my way as well

Suzanne said...

Hello my dear Shara,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. You always make me smile and find an effortless way to comfort me. I know the pain will get better over time. It has to because she isn't coming back!

I love you,
XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Hi Peter!

Miss you. I've visited your blog a number of times, as well as your sister's blog, but haven't left any comments (too tired), but will in the next day or so. I've enjoyed reading about your adventure so far.

Love and miss you,
Suzanne XO

Suzanne said...

Hi Mark,

Rob said "Thanks!" And yes, he is a bonzer bloke!

XO Suzanne

Suzanne said...

Dear Arthur,

I do promise to look forward with happiness. Promise. Thank you for reminding me and thank you too for your condolences.

Your poem is beautiful. The fact you wrote it at 15 is remarkable (you were a very "wise" 15). It touched me on so many levels, but I'll share one in particlar. While lounging in the sun a few month earlier I had looked at the tree and wondered how so much beauty could come from such a small seed. Being a garden and starting more seeds than I can remember, I know for sure what's inside a seed...magic.

I've retyped your poem, printed it and tucked it gently on my posting board. It reminds be that life is beautiful, but often unkind, that good friends should be cherished, that words matter and that memories never die.

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful poem and being part of my life.

Much love,
Suzanne

Suzanne said...

My Dear Brian,

Well...I've been waiting. Where are you? Did you stop at Robyn's first? Okay, it's official, I'll never see you if you did that! However, I can feel the hug.

Talk to you soon ~ thanks for everything sweetie.

Much love,
Suzanne

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