Okay, Okay, Okay, I'll Post, But The Tree Is Going And My Heart Is Breaking, So I'm Pretending Everything Is Okay...

Our tree is saying goodbye today. The estimates came in at $1,000 and $850 to remove her. We consulted with a neighbor down the street who owns a good chainsaw and has done work for us before (excellent by the way), and said he'd do it for $450. We agreed. I had selected all the limbs I wanted saved for the arbor, and had a photo and drawing with the dimensions to show him, but something happened when I saw his truck and the chainsaw. I became very emotional and started to cry, and I'm still crying. I can't seem to stop. Rob had to discuss saving limbs and building the arbor with him instead. I have no idea what will be saved because I refuse to watch. When I heard the chainsaw start, I sobbed. Poor Rob had to actually run to the store to buy another box of tissues because I used so many I ran out.

Some of you reading may not understand this post, or about caring so deeply for a tree, but it is such a huge part of our lives as well as a strong, constant and beautiful presence in our yard. When she's gone, she will leave such an enormous void and we can't quite deal with it yet. All that beauty gone. T-Bone once sat under it for hours waiting for his tennis ball to come back to him. He and Rob had been playing and the ball became lodged in one of the branches way up high. Even though T-Bone got new balls, he wanted his old ball, so he'd go out everyday and sit and wait for it. After many, many attemps, Rob was finally able to knock it out with another tennis ball and T-Bone was so happy to get that glob of bacteria back. I knew he would because Rob's a good shot. He's played ice hockey since he was a wee one and was even captain of the high school team that won the CA State Championship way back when. Played in college too. He's a skilled skater and puck handler, so that tennis ball didn't stand a chance. We finally had to retire that particular ball about a year ago, and it was obvious T-Bone was sad. It's funny how you develop an attachment to something and when it's gone it takes a while to right yourself. I'm not there yet, so I'm going to pretend I still have a tree that's big and beautiful and leaning towards the house.
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(Two Days Later)

I have tried for days to write this post and can't seem to get through it. I came back tonight for one last ditch effort and I'm determined. I just read the above and tears are streaming down my face again. Why is this so hard? I wouldn't look the first day you know. I stayed in my office and pretended the chainsaw was at the neighbors house. But I've had to deal with it the past two days and I think reality is often very harsh. Our whole house opens to the back yard, so I can't walk through it and not see the ugliness. I want so very much to go back, but I can't. So I'm going to pretend for a while longer.

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Today something interesting happened. Many of the big pieces of wood still remain as well as all the small branches and twigs (tons of stuff). I was walking to the kitchen and saw all the kitties at the windows and went to investigate. There were literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of birds in our yard. It was amazing. I started to cry (I love birds and feed them). The tree was a haven for so many birds and it was as if they'd all come back to say goodbye. I felt humbled and thankful. I realized, like Rob said "We have to move on." And I will. Eventually.

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Thanks to all of you who have been so kind and generous with your time and words. You mean so much to me and I want you to know that you've made a difference in my life. I'm very lucky to have you.

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With much love,

Suzanne

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P.S. I've just realized this was my goodbye to our tree. Now, perhaps I can move on, but I'm still crying, so not completely convinced.