Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm Going To Pretend For One More Day...

This is Gig's birthday bouquet. Yes, I know, very, very late,but it was picked on time. As you all know I had difficulty posting for over a week, so here it finally is. As always, Ohno has to explore everything. He's a gem. Do you see those wings behind his ears?! They're amazing! Rob calls him Batman!
I have some bad news, but thought mixing it with beautiful flowers would help me (sorry Gig). I wasn't feeling too well Friday. Horrible headache, sick to my tummy and difficulty talking. Yes, I know, classic symptoms. And T-Bone was following me everywhere. Wouldn't even sleep. And he's a sleeper. Friday night T-Bone continued to be right by my side. I thought he was ill and told Rob so, then at one point asked T-Bone "Honey, is something wrong with Mommy? Somethings going to happen, isn't it?" I blogged until late and T-Bone never left me (not the norm), I went to sleep and woke up with a left hand that felt like it was completely asleep with pins and needles, and a foot that felt the same. It seemed odd. I had been dealing with my pinky finger feeling that way for weeks and thought it was from using the computer. I still didn't feel well and T-Bone was still at my side.
I thought it might be carpal tunnel syndrome, just because my hand was involved. I went to later in the day and felt confident that was my problem. I'd call the doctor Monday. Sunday rolled around and I woke up worse. I was numb from head to toe on my left side. The only place I didn't feel numbness and tingling was in my leg. I thought "How odd." But I didn't put two and two together. I went like that Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
Tuesday night I had a dream I'd had a stroke. On Tuesday I went to again and typed in numbness and tingling in hand and foot and of course was greeted with stroke. Suddenly everything made sense. T-Bone was still by my side. He knew. I sat a long time just staring at the screen and thinking about my life. I knew I was supposed to be in the emergency room, but also knew that I had to get things done around the house in the event I was hospitalized. So I worked my ass off over the next few days in an effort to get things done. I know. Not smart, but I have so many responsibilities. Yup, even today, that's what I did. And then I called the doctor's office so that I could be seen tomorrow. I was passed so quickly to a nurse I couldn't believe it.
I described my symptoms to her and was told every thing pointed to a stroke. I'm only 48. I was told to go to the emergency room at Kaiser immediatly. After talking to her today for about 15 minutes, we hung up and I just sat here for a long, long time. I knew it before I called Kaiser, but to actually hear the words just broke my heart. I sat and I sat and I sat. Rob came into my office after returning from picking up our new tree for the back yard, and I told him what had happened and that the nurse said I had to have someone take me to the emergency room because a lot of test would be done. He was ready to go. But I just sat.
I didn't seem to have the ability to move. I just sat staring at the computer screen, the phone, the keyboard, the wall. I just sat. Staring at nothing and everything. My life. Studies show that most strokes in women happen between the ages of 45 and 52 and most go undetected. I was a statistic and I couldn't believe my bad luck. So I sat and I sat. Rob came back into my office and alerted me it was time to go to the hospital, and I couldn't move. I told him "I'll go tomorrow." He was visibly upset, but said "I can't make you go." So I sat and I sat. Mom called, Rob answered the phone and didn't tell her. He came to my office and told me he didn't want to alarm her until we had all the details. I said "Okay." And I sat.
I picked up the phone to call my mom. She wasn't home, but my brother was there. I told him. He was concerned and shocked. He told me how much he loved me and to please take care of myself. I called my sister Laur, but couldn't get in touch with her. Thought I had the wrong phone number, so called my other brother. His wife answered and amazingly put me through to Gary. Gary's always working, never home! My luckly day! We talked, I told him and he was very sad (he's sensitive) and told me to please take care of myself and get to the hospital. Then he said "Do you want to talk to Roy? He's right here." You have to understand, I rarely get to talk to my brothers. They're so busy they're never around when I call. I was able to talk to all three today and it was a blessing. They were all so kind and generous. We're all very close as sisters and brothers, so to actually have my brothers a part of this means the world to me. I wasn't able to get in touch with my sister, so called my dad and of course he picked up. He always does no matter what he's doing. It was the first time tears streamed down my face.
My dad's an amazing man. We talked about life, death, disappointment, etc. He told me to please get to the hospital, but I just sat.
Then I opened a bottle of wine, finished the laundry and watering the garden and tried to get everything done, just in case. What was going to the emergency room going to do? What was it going to change? I'd missed my 3 hour window of opportunity. I had a stroke and my life is forever changed. My numbness and tingling will probably never go away. My life is different than it was 7 days ago and I can't will it back.
The lesson is simple. Pay attention. The nurse told me face numbness is the first sign of a stroke, but I didn't have that till two days after the initial symptoms. Her advice was "when you have any sort of numbness of your limbs, get to the emergency room immediately." I would take that advice, and run, not walk to the emergency room. You have a three hour window of opportunity to reverse what's happened to you if you've had a stroke. That's all you get, so please don't hesitate.
I love you all and you know that. That's why I'm writing this. I thought, if anyone could get me through this, it's all of you. You have become my family and you matter. I'll be fine. I'll just have to make a lot of adjustments. Probably blog a lot less.
I'm going to the emergency room today. I've had time to think and know it's my only option. I'll be tested till the cows come home, but that's okay. And I'm going alone. I'm not telling Rob. I'm just going to go directly from feeding the ferals. I seem to need to be alone. For some reason it seems like a very personal, lonely journey.
Oh, and by the way, there's a race going on over at the cafe. I'm going to lose because I.V. outsmarted me! That bastard! But I have a very pretty pink bike!
Love you all,
Suze XO


kylie said...


Suzanne said...

I'm going tomorrow after feeding the ferals. I love you.

kylie said...

I want to grab you and shake you and say "WHY DIDNT YOU DO ANYTHING??" I want to say "GO NOW" but it's happened now. I can only implore you to please, PLEASE PLEASE take it seriously another time.
I'm so sorry this has happened but I don't want you to view it as's been a few days and you're obviously still quite functional so it wasn't a massive stroke and you have every chance of making a full recovery.
I have to tell you, you can't think of your responsibilities at a time like that because you need to take care of yourself first....taking care of responsibilities today doesn't help if you're completely incapacitated tomorrow.
Well, enough with the lecture....
the flowers are just wonderful, get yourself looked at, take the advice you're given and take care.

Anonymous said...


In all seriousness, you need to take care of yourself now - you are the number one priority to get yourself to that ER and get the treatment you need. You'll worry about responsibilities and everything like that, because that's what you're like, but your responsibility now is to look after you. You're going to go after the ferals? Why don't you go before (but I know the answer the that!) - you're too caring, too giving, to everyone but yourself. Sometimes we need to take a little time for ourselves, otherwise when the time comes when we need to look after ourselves, we don't. Please, just like Kylie said, please just get everything done.
What would happen to the ferals and others if you couldn't look after them? You'd be devastated, so that's why you need to look after yourself and get yourself looked at.
Phew. I wrote that so quickly, because I didn't want to stop, and now my arms are aching!
Please, just look after yourself. I'll be checking in here when I can.
Take care,
Peter xxxxxx

Mark said...

The fact that you were able to write this post is good. WHAT IS NOT GOOD IS NOT GETTING to a DOCTOR STRAIGHT AWAY. It's about time that your welfare was seen to. Suze, I understand that you were in denial, it's a very normal reaction to an event of this magnitude. I am very concerned about you.

A word of advice: YOU MUST NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, USE THE INTERNET TO SELF DIAGNOSE A MEDICAL PROBLEM. YOU GO TO A DOCTOR FOR THAT. You might have something else and have worried yourself and your friends unnecessarily over something that isn't what you think it is.

Take care I will be checking back. Maybe Rob will keep us up to date.
Mark. XO

Suzanne said...

Thank you one and all. I'm not feeling too good this morning because I have a migraine. I'm tempted to put the emergency room off one more day, but know I won't.

I spent the night wallowing in self pity and crying, a lot! My face looks all puffy and I feel like crap, but it's time to move on and get this resolved, and so I will.

I love you all so much. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words and for your loving support. The three of you mean the world to me. I'll keep you posted.

Much love, Suze XOXOXO

Kärt said...

I wish I could be there and hug you. This is so unfair. You are the best person in the world. You have given all of us so much. This shouldn't be happening to you.
Please, please don't give up. You are going to get better. I know you will. You have to.
We are all there with you.

Gig said...

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!! I know the answer to are thinking of everybody but you. This is way to serious to let go and not do anything about. I agree with everything that those before me wrote. We all love you and want to see you well and therefore you need to take care of yourself first.
I do understand about feeling responsable for so many other people, animals, home, etc. I too let things slide when it comes to taking care of me, but I am going to listen to you and what everyone is saying to you.

Only you in your unselfish way would take the time to put together this BEAUTIFUL bouquet of Roses for me, when you should be at the hospital. I really do appreciate you and your love for all of us, but please listen to all of your family.

I will be checking back here, have Rob check in with us. I will also check in with everyone else.

Love you,


im not quite sure if you are some sort of dream state or what... id have to agree no matter what the problem is, sounds like you might need some help.

CIELO said...

Oh no! This was on tuesday and I just found out about it... oh my dear, I'm so sorry my sweet friend... I don't know what to say, or do, other than pray for you remind you that our Heavenly Father is with you.... "God is my helper, and in him will I put my trust. My protector, and the horn of my salvation, and my support.... Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings" (Psalms 17)

Keep us posted, please....

Love you


Suzanne said... I am. I wasn't able to complete the exam and testing today because I have a massive migraine (just from the stress of all this, no sleep and wine) and got very, very sick. So I'm back home. I'll return as soon as my migraine eases up a bit. Even if it's midnight. I want to know what happened and what's going to happen. The nurse told me I most likely won't need to be hospitalize, just continue with lots and lots of tests.

It's very hot here, already over 100 degrees and I can't do much with this head pain, so I'm going to park my butt right here and try to relax (yes, typing is very difficult with my left hand). The air conditioning is already on and it's only early afternoon. Yikes. The house is so quiet. Everyone's sleeping which is very unusual. Perhaps the Gods are smiling on me for one day. I need the rest because I only slept about an hour last night.

I cry alot. I look like hell and feel worse. I want to turn back the hands of time, but can't. It's like I'm in a nightmare. And yes Zack, I'm in a dream state because if I don't pretend, just a little, I feel as if I'll lose my mind. I'm only 48 years old and I don't know how to deal with all this numbness and tingling in my hand and my face and my body. How will I ever adjust? I've done so many things right my whole life and this is the result? This is my reward? I'm trying desperately to make sense of something that makes no sense. If I'd done everything wrong, it would make sense, but I haven't.

And no, I wouldn't have waited to go the the emergency room Sunday if I wasn't overwhelmed with life here. Rob is trying to study for the Florida Bar at the same time he's working full time. I knew I couldn't go to the hospital because I was afraid of being admitted and there was so much to take care of before that possibility. So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I worked my ass off to get things in order. Was it the right choice? No, of course not, and I don't advocate that sort of behavior. I knew something was desperately wrong Saturday, and Sunday was just the icing on the cake, and didn't even tell Rob what had happened until Tuesday when I asked if the new roof could be postponed by a few weeks (it's supposed to start this coming Monday). Mom is going back east for a week and Rob is going to take care of Fenway, which of course means I would have been left alone the week of the reroofing to deal with cats and a dog completely stressed and the responsibility that goes into running this household. I knew I couldn't do it. When someone you care about is trying to sit for a Bar Exam you do what you have to do to cause the least amount of stress. Thousands and thousands of dollars are spent to prepare for and take it, and if it isn't taken all that money is lost and it's 6 months till the next one. That's why. I know all of you are wondering why I would do such a stupid thing. Now you know why I behaved so irrationally. Was it worth a Bar Exam? Nope.

I love all of you so much. Thank you for your comments, love and support. I knew if anyone could get me through this, it would be all of you because of your collective wisdom. We're on a new journey. Life is never what it seems nor what one expects! Robyn always says my life is perfect. I remind her it is not. Now she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is not!!!

I'll keep you updated. Until then, I have a race to win on my little pink trike over at the Cafe!

Suze XO ;)

bindhiya said...

Dear Suze,

I have faith....still it is not late...there will be no will recover completely...
I am sure you will recover completely..PLEASE GO BACK TO HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY...
If it is me i will not wait another minute i will call 911 and get a ambulance...not cause i love myself...i love my baby...I have to be there for her, I love my parents and brothers and sister..I have to wait to see them.. I will do anything for them..
Do you love your little ones? do you love your family... if you really love them, you have to go to the hospital and do the tests and take medicine and rest....
I wish am there...
that day brian had a dislocated shoulder and he was trapped behind something heavy..which i couldn't move...I ask him can i ask someone to help move you out..he say no...I will try..i ask him what you going to wait for with this pain? you think you are a magician? I argue (only that day in my life)...he give up and i run with the baby and ask for help, the first person i saw..they came and in minutes they got him out..
Please don't wait one more minute..
we are all part of your family...please listen... GET HELP SWEETIE..PLEASE PLEASE..
we all love you and want the best for you..
there will be nothing as you fear...
My mom had an accident and tied to bed...with a head injury and dislocated hip joint...she was in bed rest for 3 months...she recover completely...My mom is 52...
I know ER is waiting and waiting but we have to go through that..this is just for your little ones, your family and for us the extended family members...not for you... so please get help..
I love you sweetie..

Cecile said...

Firstly, Buddy is the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

Secondly, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!!! Please, Please, Please go to the Hospital tomorrow. Suze, you owe it to all of the kitties, dogs, and other animals in the world to take care of yourself. We all love you, and we are here to support you, but you have Rob. He will hold your hand the entire time. YOu WILL BE OK. Just go to the hospital and get the tests done.

CIELO said...

I'm praying for you..... love you!


Leah said...

Suzanne, my dear, I'm adding my voice to the throng. You know what I'm going to say. Finish up the tests and take care of yourself. It's been said over and over again here, but it can't be said enough until you do it. GO. GO! Just get it over with. Just put one foot in front of the other and go forward. You will be okay.

Love, hugs,


Suzanne said...


Well, I finally fell asleep after talking to my mom and my sister Laura this afternoon. I was able to exhale after their calls. I'm beginning to feel much better, so just about ready to go to the hospital and face hours of testing. I'm going to try to get a bit more sleep before going in an effort to prevent another migraine and to let this one go completely away gracefully.

My poor mother is so upset and thinks I should be in the hospital. I told her I can't make them admit me! We'll see what happens when I go. And she's so angry with me for not getting to the emergency room earlier and was even wondering why I was home to take her call. She's just beside herself with fear. It's beautiful how my mom can make me melt. When I heard her voice I couldn't even speak, I just started to sob. Then it was if she reached through the phone and held me and I knew I'd be okay. It was a wonderful relief. The same with my sister's call. We're all very close and they complete me in some way. I'm not afraid anymore, I just want the answers and then I want to move on. I can't turn back the hands of time unfortunately, I just have to deal with this. And I will. I don't want this to ever happen again. And I want to change my behavior as well. This is/was a classic case of "stupid." Don't ever do what I did/have done.

I just want you all to know that what happened to me wasn't a text book stroke(s). Yes, in hindsight all the clues were there, but they happened over a series of days, not bam, 1,2,3. There was no way to make it to the emergency room in 3 hours because it wasn't even clear what was happening, and then I think I had a few minor strokes over a period of days. All I can say to all of you is get to the emergency room immediately if something goes numb. It's better to be safe than sorry. And for God sakes, don't ever follow my example. I've done everything wrong. Everything.

I love all of you very much. Thank you for your support and love and your good swift kicks to my a** (unfortunately I can't feel my left butt cheek, so if you kicked it, I have no recall!). When I was sobbing to my mom I said between gulps for air, "Why would this happen to me? I've done everything right all my life, why?" and she replied "Bad things happen to good people baby." I stopped crying and started to laugh. I said "Mom, you sound like a cliche!" and she replied "Well that's why it's a cliche honey, it's true." And that my friends, is my family's humor in a nut shell. And somehow, no matter what the scenario, they always end up making me laugh. Always.

I love you all and will write again soon. Thank you.


Suzanne said...

That didn't cover everyone. I typed a zillion hugs and kisses and blogger edited! Hey! That's not fair! Just know I typed enough for everyone. Here are a few more XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOO

Skeeter said...


I hope you are feeling better. Though the symptoms of numbness and the rest are frightening, I hope that they will fade over time. Take care of yourself dear.


Suzanne said...


I can't write to you like the others, so will tuck it right here. Thank you sweetie. Everything will be fine. Life has changed, but that's okay. I'll adjust. Having family and friends around to support and love me makes all the difference in the world. Sometimes life isn't fair, but that's okay too. I'm glad I'm alive.

I love you dear friend and thanks for your kind words, love and support. I'll keep you informed.

Much love,
Suze XO

Anonymous said...


I just have two more words for you:

Be strong


Rhondi said...

Hi Suzanne
What a story! Why do we think if we ignore something maybe it won't be happening? You are going to get through this and come out the other side wiser for it.
I am praying for a better than the odds recovery for you!
Hugs, Rhondi

CIELO said...

I'm here with you....



Hobie's World said...

Aunt Suze: I'm thinking of you and sending warm and fuzzy thoughts for you to be well. Love, Hobie

krystyna said...

Hi Suzanne,
what a bad news, my keyboard is full of my tears.
Please, please, take care!

Suzanne said...


Well I'm home, after a very long exhauting day. I'm waiting to talk to my mom, but believe it or not she doesn't have call waiting. MOTHER!!! So, I'm going to plant my butt right here for a few minutes and relax.

Okay, just as I suspected I walked into the ER, said two words "possible stroke," and then said I was sent by my doctor's office. The attendant took my info., asked me to sit down and in less than a minute the nurse called my name. The nurse was the same one I had when I impaled the top of my right foot with the gardening shears, fractured the bones, and severed the nerve to my big toe and next two. I remembered her because she threw my expensive washcloths away. Rob had grabbed the first things he could find to stop the bleeding and he aced bandaged them around my foot to apply pressure. Plop, right into the trash they went, ace bandage too. I wanted to say "Hey, that's a $30 blob of good cotton, plus tax! I think I can get all the blood out!" But I said nothing.

So, today I got the royal treatment. I had an EKG before I was even allowed out of her office. She said "I want you to lay down on the bed because we need and EKG, please remove your shirt and bra and put on the gown, do you mind if I continue typing?" I said "Okay. No, of course not." But I didn't like that the emergency room was very busy and her curtain didn't close all the way and my undressing was basically a peep show! But I was so scared and shaking so badly, I thought "Ahhhhhhhhhhh screw it, nothing they haven't seen before!" I had the most fabulous EKG tech in the whole world. I told her I'm going to blog about her, and I will. I have no idea what the EGK said, but the Blood Pressure test, when I first arrived, was horrendous. Oh my God, something like 192/96. She said "Do you realize you have high blood pressure, and honey, you have got to calm down, please take some deep breaths?" I said "NO, I don't have high blood pressure, I'm just scared out of my wits, my blood pressure is fine ~ it's well within normal limits." She repeated, "Please then, you have got to relax because this isn't going to help you." I tried really hard. Before I left her office she took another reading. I was back to normal. See, I tried!

After lots more tests and being hooked up to a heart monitor for hours, the doctor finally examined me, read the findings, and told me I hadn't had a stroke or a heart attack, and it wasn't a pinched nerve, but they didn't know what it was. He wanted to look at my brain and called for a CAT Scan. He also said he wanted me to see my Primary Care Physician immediately to have additional testing. The second nurse came back and informed me the CAT Scan was arranged and to just stay in my lovely room (and it really was a lovely room), and wait. After about 10 minutes I just wanted to go home. So I held my gown tightly over my back and butt and walked down the hall to find my nurse (the hall was loaded with patients on beds because the ER was so busy, but I felt like an equal...we all looked pathetic and unhappy! I found my nurse and asked if I could please go home and have the CAT Scan next week via my doctor because I was exhausted. She said she'd talk to the doctor. She came to my room within 15 minutes and I was already dressed and ready to go home. She laughed. She said the ER doctor had agreed, but the appointments were already set up. I see my PCP Monday and have a CAT Scan soon after. Maybe the answer will be in the CAT Scan. I hope so. I want this resolved. I was so happy it wasn't a stroke or heart attack I said to the doctor "I'm so overjoyed." He said "Hold on there cowboy, we've elimanated only two things, this is still very serious." Yup, it is, but at least I didn't have a stroke or heart attack. I know there's hope!!!!!

Yeeeeeeeee Haw!

Love you all so very, very much. Thank you for your support. Bindi thanks for the call this morning. It set me on my way with so much hope, and talking to Serene was too precious. And Cece, thanks for the call last night. Sorry I was sleeping, but thank God I was sleeping! I needed the rest. Glad you talked to Rob and thanks for the email. It was lovely. I love both of you so much. This was a good day. Yup, I'm still numb and tingling from head to toe, but like the X-Files, I know the answer is out there somewhere!

Love you all!
Suze XO

krystyna said...

Thanks Suzzy for this information.
I'm sure everthing will be well.
Take a good relax and have a wonderful, healthy weekend time!
Biiig hugs!

bindhiya said...

I just know it.... there is nothing wrong with you...Thank God!!!
You are so dear to so many little ones...every time you are feeding them..they are satisfied and praying for you...there is a spirit in T bone too...he cannot talk but he sure can see more than we will laugh at me if i say more about what they can see more than us... but I got that from my grandma's wisdom...and I believe it ...
I will be talking to my sister in a little bit and be back to write more..
Serene was saying Suzanne" I told her no Aunt Suze..then she started saying Aunt Suze :)
It will not be anything serious...
my prayers are with you, Rob and little ones..
I will be back soon..
I love you Sweetie..

Mark said...

My dear Suzanne,

Thank you for the update. I am so glad that it wasn't a cardiac arrest or stroke. ( By heck, your original post scared the bejesus out of me!)

Rob, I can't guess what you have been thru. I'm sure that you are also relieved that it is not as bad as it first seemed. A hug for
you ( ). In a blokey way of course! Thanks for your understanding on behalf of all of us.

Cheers & beers,

kylie said...

thats FANTASTIC I have only one word

i'm a chiropractic evangelist, you know....they can work would help your stress, your migraines, your "stroke"
please go

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad that it wasn't a heart attack or a stroke - you must feel relieved. Remember that you still need to take it easy until they find out what's happened.
I think all of our good thoughts and prayers helped you along!
Take care and I'll be back soon to visit...
P xxx

kylie said...

just so's you know, i have a post ready for marks birthday...only it wont be at the cafe, didnt think of that :)

Sweet Sage said...

Your blog is a beautiful place! Pink roses and kitties .. no better combination exists!
I wish you well~

Cecile said...

Well, I'm glad it wasn't a heart attack or a stroke, or a pinched nerve, but I wish you would have sucked it up and toughed it out and gotten the CAT SCAN YESTERDAY instead of putting yourself through another week of stress. Did your mother say the same thing? For some reason, I bet she did. Anyway, call me if you need to laugh. I'm home all weekend. I love you too and I am worried for you. Get lots of rest, say screw it with the house work, yard work, ect. And let Rob drive you to feed the ferrals. BE SAVE AND SMART!

bindhiya said...

I talk to my family last night...I talk to my sister about you..she advice to do panchakarma...similar to chiropractic procedures...
there is nothing to worry about...
get rest, relax and stay strong..
we all will be praying for the best for you..
love you sweetie..

Kärt said...

Hey :)
I'm so happy you are ok. Or at least almost ok. :) And the CAT scan can't be bad. Cats love you as much as we do and even more. :)
Be strong.
Kärt :)

Suzanne said...


I was apparently exhausted and slept most of the day and evening. It's been a long week and yesterday was so stressful, but I'm feeling more confident everything will be okay. Obviously something's terribly wrong, but I'm hopeful it will be resolved in the next few weeks or months because I can't imagine trying to go through the rest of my life like this. Next week will be filled with lots of doctors visits and testing, but Rob was able to postpone the new roof for a few weeks, so at least I won't have that stress to deal with.

Your love and support has been remarkable and although I can't respond to every comment, I want you to know that every comment mattered. Every single one. You're amazing friends and I will never forget this.

To answer a few questions. I will see a Chiroprator (I have so much faith in them), however, I don't think a Chiroprator can fix this. I'm hoping the CAT Scan or some of the other tests will reveal the answer. And yes Cece, I should have stayed for the CAT Scan. I was just so exhausted I wanted to go home. I have regrets. And yes, my mother was upset. She was actually speechless when I told her I'd come home without having it. When your mother is speechless you know you've screwed up. And Rob was visibly upset. I was simply exhausted and wanted to come home to my peeps.

Rob is unable to take me to the park to feed the ferals because he still works full time while also studying for the Bar. I'm trying to drive more carefully and more slowly. I'm always aware that I'm not well and something could happen, so I try to be very safe on the freeway. Unfortuantely there's still tons of housework and yard work to do, but I'm trying to be more practical in my approach. The yard and gardens are never going to look like they should this year. I'll deal with everything next Spring. And the remodel of the house isn't going to be completed this year, as much as I'd hoped. I did all the "stuff" I do everyday today, but I took time I didn't have and trimmed the lilacs, pruned some roses, fancied up some hydrangeas and simply enjoyed the moment. It was wonderful. Plants, the garden and nature always center me and it's where I find the most joy. I have to get back to spending more time in the gardens. My Dad reminded me that nature has always been my healer and my Mom reminded me that if I continue doing what I'm doing I'm going to die and leave everyone I love behind to cope. She broke my heart. She said "Your schedule and volunteer work exhaust me. Please pick what you love most and simplify the rest of your life." She reminded me as all of you have that I do so much for everyone and everything else I don't think about myself. You're all right. That's not the way to live a life. I'm actually making lists to figure out what I'd like to focus on and what I can eliminate. But mostly, I'm focusing on the direction I want my life to take. This was my wake up call and trust me, it got my attention.

You are all so precious to me and you have been such a blessing. This was and is a challenge you know, but the fact you're all here makes it less so. We're going to get through this, life will go on and I'll be fine. And I actually believe this numbness and tingling will go away in due time. I can not thank you enough for all your suppport and love. There are no words.

I love you all,
Suze XO

Cecile said...

I hope blogging stays on the list of things you want to continue.
Girlfriend, we are all so worried about you. Just know in your heart that we are beging The Great Spirit to heal you and make you whole so that I can continue to offend you during three hour long phone conversations about being an "In Your Face New Yorker." And now I can add another adjective to that description. You are now officially (at least according to me) a "Stubborn, In Your Face New Yorker." I'm sure Rob and Mom would completely understand. And I bet Mom is telling you that your just like your Father isn't she. Take care of yourself dear friend.

The Queen said...

Dear, Dear Suzanne,
So sorry to be out of touch through your crisis. I'm going through a bit but not the magnitude you are.
We are such stubborn people at times, I include myself. We tell ourselves we must do this or that, to maintain our committments true but I think sometimes we're running away from dealing with our own needs by doing so much for others. It's ok and only correct to do what's right and good for ourselves as well as others.
This is a huge wake up call, dearest sister! God needs angels on this earth more than he needs them in heaven. Anything done to the extreme has counter productive outcomes. Your Mom is so wise to council you to reduce you load. Balance is the key as you well understand from growing those beautiful flowers. Too much, too little kills even the strongest blooming plant!
I want you to bloom longer, I want you to be an example for us struggling blossoms and the ones yet to form.
You are strong and fierce, be strong for a fierce fighter for Yourself and all of us who love you so much!

Leah said...

Dear dear Suzanne,

I'm SO glad to hear they've ruled out the biggies...and after they've ruled out other things, don't rule out anxiety as a cause (never the first thought, but sometimes the last, after physiological things have been ruled out). I know from hard experience that anxiety attacks can take that exact form, of numbness and that sort of paralysis. And it certainly sounds like you're under a tremendous amount of stress, being the best wife and friend and carer in every way--of course it'll catch up with you babe! I know everyone's saying some version of these things. Just know we're all right behind you--

love and xoxo, Leah

Sweet Sage said...

Many Thanks, Suzanne! Please help yourself to the photo & thank you for asking. :) I'm sure we've much to visit about. I had a kitty, 'Sage', too ... hence the name 'Sweet Sage'. Long story .. will post it eventually. He is no longer with us. :(
You can find me here as well .., graphics were just uploaded on Friday. Not sure where I'm headed with TWO blogs, but feel free to join me on the journey.
Take Care

Gig said...

Hey Suze,
I am here to drool over my beautiful Bouquet!!! The roses ares so beautiful, I love them so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

I am glad you will get the cat scan this week, hopefully that will help figure out what is going on.

The food is soooo good over at the Cafe...I have just left there for a few minutes, am ready to go join you and Cece on the sofa...I did see a man in a trenchcoat there...

Love you,

Skeeter said...

Hi Suzanne,

So glad to hear that this wasn't a heart attack or stroke, but am worried about what the CAT scan might find.

Love and prayers.

Anonymous said...


Just a brief one to say that I'm still thinking of you. I'm not going to write a huge comment, because everything's been said before, and I don't want to waste the time that you could spend resting doing nothing. That's right. Doing nothing.
Now, go, get!

hnter1018 said...

HEy Suzanne....figured I'd stop by and say hello. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope things get back to where they were before.

And to go off subject for a moment...I do love animals. All of my pets have been rescues. Two ended being diabetic (insulin twice a day) and one cat ended with mega colon. Our pointer was a rescue at a day old. She had a cleft palet and was to be killed by the breeder. We got ahold of her and put a tube down her throat into he stomach and pumped food in every two hours. She is now four with a fixed mouth and loves to run in the yard. We even had a cancerous tumor removed from our hampster. My wife just got laid off work but she works as a vet tech.

ShutterSpy said...


All I can say is I am so, so sorry.

I really am so, so sorry.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am a very visual person and I generally don't *read* blogs - I just look at the pictures.

So you're flowers looked so beautiful, I just looked at them. Just looked and enjoyed them and skipped the writing. Skipped the writing completely, almost as if it wasn't there.

I am so, so, so sorry for not reading it.

You must have thought me uncaring not to comment. I just didn't know that between the lovely flowers lay something so bad :(

And all the time, all I can say is I'm so, so sorry, and that I am a fool.


Wishing you all the best.

A Woman Who is: said...

Good gravy Suzanne! I haven't seen you on the blogs for awhile and I kept thinking to myself what has happened to Suzanne???

I finally get over here to see where you have been? Funny how I couldn't stop thinking about you, sad I didn't take the time to find out sooner. I could have at least been praying, which is why I think I was being reminded of you. Someone I have only chatted with on the internet just a few times. Though you made a big impression ;)

I hope things get resolved for you, and you get to the bottom of your symptoms.

Prayers are going up!

Lavinia Ladyslipper said...

Suzanne, I can only echo what everyone else here has already said. I am sorry that I only got around to your blog today; ever since getting back from Montreal I have been playing catch up with everyone's blogs and there are so many to visit...but yours should have been in the top three. Look what I missed....the Buddy rescue, and now this.

You know, all those animals depend on you, and you must do your best for yourself, in order to care for them as you so ardently do.

You know what they say on airplanes...first the mama has to put the oxygen mask on herself, and THEN on her babies. Without her own oxygen, she is of no use to anyone.

Please, please, do not delay in obtaining medical treatment in situations like this--nothing else is more important, health comes first.

Okay, nuff said, aside from "Get well soon!" I am rooting for you as are many others!

Oh, one more thing: You are in my prayers. I still haven't gotten over to that site you recommend...but I'm headed there soon!

Anonymous said...