Mestro is dying. He has cancer. I was asked to euthanize him a month ago after talking to the vet and the techs. I couldn't do it. I said, "Give me a month." The month is up. I needed to be with him. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still not, but yesterday I called, so Wednesday at 7 pm. I honestly can't believe that that's what I'm going to do. I love him so much. I talked to a dear friend today and asked if I'm doing the right thing. He said "Yes." But I almost feel sick. Those of you who know, know he is probably one of the greatest cats that ever lived. His nic name is Gandi. I can't imagine life without him, but I can't hurt him or make him suffer. So I'm just sitting here thinking about life. The choices you have to make. The losses you endure. Will you ever know if you made the right decision? There are so many questions and most of you know me, I think deeply. I'm going to euthanize him in five days and so every minute matters. So he and I just sit around a lot and love one another. I know he knows. I can feel it. He's so smart and kind. I want to turn back the hands of time, but I'm so grateful that he blessed our lives. That boy taught me one whole hell of a lot about life and grace.

A Day In The Life...

Every day I wake, or with menopause just think without sleep and I hit the ground running. It doesn't change. Always something. And not just one thing, a multitude. You simply know that when your feet hit the floor it starts all over again. Daunting? Yes. Heavy. Yes. I haven't told you, but Meastro is dying. There's that. I can't euthanize him yet. I know I will find the moment. But it's not "yet." I returned from the park this morning. I went early because life is so crazy busy and I needed time to get "stuff" done after the park. I did my marketing at around 9 am and was selecting a begal. There were two very attractive guys buying fresh baked bread at the, well, I guess, "fresh baked" department. But I was busy wondering "WHERE THE HELL'S MY ONION BAGEL???" I was working on selecting something else when they showed up near me. One guy said, "Hi." I looked up and said "Hi." He said, "Nice pants." Swear to god! I was trying to find my bagel and I looked at him. He was looking at my boobs and saying that. I don't recall any guy in my life talking to me and looking at my boobs while doing so. I almost started to laugh. You know me, but I didn't want to be rude!!!!!! I simply said "Thanks," and got out of Dodge.

There are days you think very hard about life. For me, today was one. I've seen a bunch of teenagers at the pravillion where I park to feed the ferals. A few days ago they waved when I got out of the car. I liked that. Today as I got out, a girl approached me with a puppy and asked if I had any food. Of course I did. But it was cat food. The dog is beautiful. I got down on my knees and he was so beautiful and gentle. He hadn't eaten and that concerned me, so I gave her what I had and said that once I fed the kitties I'd buy him food. His name is Emmit, her name, Taylor. I did what promised. They were leaving the park as I exited and I was worried, so I stopped near the river and asked "Where do I leave the food?" I was told they'd be back at the pravillion by the time I returned from WalMart. They were. Everyone came out to greet me. All teenagers and homeless. They were so amazing and so beautiful. I swear to god I thought I would die, but I didn't. We all shook hands, we all introduced ourselves. I asked, "Why are you here? This kills me." The reply, "Our parents suck." I know there are horrible parents. I do. Working on cases with Rob, I know. To see such beautiful kids trying to find their way and winter is approaching. Homelessness isn't fun and I don't think it's a choice. I have so many friends who are wealthy. I wonder what they do? With all that money. Vacations, 2nd and 3rd homes. But in the end, what did you do?

I have a dragonfly

Friends

Life

A Bandit

I don't even think I remember how to post a pic

Hey T-Bone. That is a little over exposed. Hey buddy, get out of the way, you're blocking my medal. Sorta! Yes it's true honey, Mommy made that. Blow torch and everything. Yup welded. My first welds. They are so CHUNKY! But look, that arrow stuck to the cold roll steel like glue! You see that?

The first anniversary of Gary's death.

There are days you just want to hide your head in a blue and white planter, but you can't because life just keeps coming at you. I was so blue today until talking to Mom. She made me laugh so hard. On this day, my mother made me laugh. That is one hell of a woman. Why? Because she was able to make me feel something other than pain, even through her own. I told her about posting on Facebook last night. She asked if I'd removed everything. I said "Yes." She was grateful. She reminded me that life isn't perfect and we're all dealing with so much pain. To be patient. To have faith. On a day I should have been supporting my mother, she was supporting me. Mom's are so amazing. My mom is so gracious and kind to me. I love how she encourages me, how she makes me laugh, how she sees so far beyond my vision. Her soulfulness, wisdom, understanding, love.

Why am I here? Because it's like a sanctuary. It's a beautiful place. When I come back I remember what it was like to be in this space. To have so many amazing friends around me. All the laughs. All the fun I had before being introduced to Facebook. So on this day, where do I come? Here. It represents a happier time in my life and Mom told be today, I have to find my way back, and she's right because I can't go on with this much pain. Gary's never coming back. Ginny and Roy may never pick up the phone. That's the reality. She said "Suzanne, you have a choice..." (Although it's my birth name, Mom never calls me Suzanne unless she means business and trust me, she meant business.) So, I'm a Blogger again. I like that. And now I'm off to visit Kylie and ask for a prayer.

The End...

I'm thinking about closing this place. Officially. So much on my mind. I loved this place very much.

As the days go by...

The man. Maestro.

California nights.

California days.

Progress.

Ohno. Trouble.

Primed, but not painted. Yes, of course I have goals!

This is what they pulled out of that HUGE stack. *Suze rolls eyes in head.*

Feathers. I have a HUGE stash. Huge. I love fealthers.

A few. Hawk feathers. You see those?

Baby. AKA, Trouble.

Heartbreak

Why don't I come back? Because it's heartbreaking.

Memories...

Yes, hate that yellow date thing, but can't seem to get rid of it. See that red dot on my right calf? You know what that's from? I returned from Denver one late evening. Mommy was standing at the door with the yellow light bulb on waiting for me to hug her. I ran across the yard only to find my dad had left an engine in my path. Yes. An entire engine. I remember screaming "OH MY GOD!!!" I had pain and the wound from hell. My doctor says it's an ingrown hair. Will need surgery! Ahhhhhhhhh, screw it. Sometimes when I shave I screw up and knick it. Which only makes it worse. Oh, and bigger! Family memories. Cherished.

Happiness...

My amazing sister Tammy on the far left. Her gorgeous daughter Monica then my new about to be niece in law Kayla. The rest I don't know. But I know the three I love. Tam, if you ever see this, I love you so. Tammy, you know. And Monica, if you read this, listening to Citizen Cope, Sideways. I love you both so much. Aunt Suzy XOXOXO

Some of the girls!

Amanda (my sister Laura's daugher), Des (my sister Janet's daughter) about to give birth to my family's first great grandchild, my darling mom, Alison (Laura's other daughter), Cailee (my sister Charlene's daughter), my beautiful niece Monica (Tammy's daughter), my wonderful future niece in law, Kayla, my amazing niece Valerie (Jan's other daughter). Just some of the crew!

I haven't been around. Why? Because I feel as if I've lost my voice. Writing here was so effortless, but after months on face book, using the least words possible, I feel as if I've lost me. It used to be so easy and now it's not. I miss all of you. I miss this place. The way it always felt so gentle. Like landing in a down pillow. I'll try to write more often if you start showing up again.

XO