Thursday, November 11, 2010

Heartbreak

Why don't I come back? Because it's heartbreaking.

11 comments:

Suzanne said...

Gary dying literally broke our hearts. I don't think any of us know what to do. Even the strongest. This year has been like living in a fog. I haven't cried in a long time, but coming here allows me to because I know you all understand. My family is so close and this is tearing us apart. There's so much pain because he wasn't supposed to die and every day you question every choice, every decision. So much second guessing. Until you think you might just go insane. He wasn't supposed to die.

Suzanne said...

This is the only place I know to talk.

kylie said...

so just talk!

talking will be cathartic and as a bonus strong emotion produces the best writing :)
it's a win -win

Suzanne said...

Kylie, I love you. You're right. This is the place to get it out. It's almost 4 am and I've been up painting a canvas! Now I'm sitting here crying. I have paint on my fingers! It feels good. I like that. I haven't felt that joy in a long time. Everyone has been challenging me to paint, including you. I couldn't find it in my heart as you no. A dear friend from high school said something yesterday. "Paint one rose, then post it to prove you did." I said I would. I don't always keep my promises because my life is often overwhelming and way to busy. But as much work as this house and family needed, I got out my brushes, my paints, I sketched my idea on the canvas. I didn't actually paint, until tonight. I've never painted at night. It was a wonderful experience. I told another friend that if I could just get to the point of putting paint on canvas "I think I'll be okay." And I was right. There is something about the process. Paint is soft, fluid, it's difficult to manipulate, but gentle and kind. If I listen carefully it responds. Painting has always, for me, come from a place of peace. I haven't felt that in some time. But something happened yesterday and tonight. Selecting my brushes, the colors, and then actually painting. It is a peace I haven't felt in a very, very long time. So I'm crying because I know it's possible to move on. And will. Thanks for never giving up on me Kylie. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you very much. XO

Karen ^..^ said...

I know that heartbreak all too well. I also know the fear of putting all my feelings down on the internet. Thank God you don't have anyone out there hell bent on hurting you over it. We love you, and will be here for you. Not every day, perhaps, but we're always here. Love you, sis.

Suzanne said...

Karen,

Biggest hug. You know me. I never hesitate to write what I feel. You're right, I'm fortunate in that respect. A friend said recently, "Why do your write such personal stuff?" I'm not sure, but told him "I don't worry like you do." I have absolute faith in all my friends and readers on fb and Blogger. I've been very lucky. Your support matters my dear. Everyday or once a month...I don't care, just show up once in a while and give me some love!!! And you do. I love you too Sis. I know you're all here for me. Thanks. Love you very, very much. I'll stop by. PROMISE!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Cece said...

OK. I'm a little late on getting here, but the loss of loved ones is something we all have to deal with. It is extremely hard to sift through the pain. It is also extremely difficult to move past the pain, but eventually you wake up and realize that you have to move on. Gary would not want all of you to be torn apart. He would want you all to be happy and he would want you all to remember happy memories with him. You have to take small steps every day. There just isn't any other way.

Suzanne said...

Cece, I love you! I do. We both do and you know that. Your words matter because I know you know. Gary was injured 2 days before Christmas last years so the anniversary is arriving too quickly. But Mom has made us promise we will all celebrate this year because we didn't last year. I've already started. Wreaths are hung on the double doors and the topiary at the front entrance was decoraged with white light yesterday. Rob arrived last night and said it was beautiful to drive down the road and see it. More to come. It's a journey, isn't it. We miss him so much, you know? I was just on the phone with his employer this afternoon. Roy still works for them and the boys are like sons. Roy has decided to leave. He's in so much agony and can't stay without Gary. They're heartbroken. We cried. Everyone is in so much pain. That guy left one hell of a void. Thanks for your support darling. I love you very, very much. You know.

Kirstin said...

Suze.....No one can begin to know or fully understand your pain, but so many people care and love you! Gary would want you to move forward, he sounded so full of life and he would be crying if he knew you were not moving forward with the things that bring you joy. Write, paint or use your creative energy to express your anger, joy and love for Gary, it has a healing element to it and would please Gary. Life does bring us unexpected moments but with them chances to grow and pull from within. You are so full of love and energy...express it! ((((((HUS))))))) xoxoxo
Kirstin

MARIA said...

Merry Christmas my Dear Online Angel!

krystyna said...

I'd like to send to you much
love and hugssss!